Sideshow (Shitshow) Bob

My friend Sideshow Bob, for all intense and purposes, is a walking palm tree. He's 6'6, thin as a rail, and has big curly hair.

Ever since he got contacts he has decided that everyone is always "cruising" him including a friend of a friend of mine who is not into giants.

Sideshow Bob is what some may call a professional drinker. Beer is like mother's milk to him and liquor is the air he breathes. He is notorious for getting rip-roaring drunk and disappearing or getting naked... usually both. Two weeks ago was no exception.

I drove Sideshow Bob to local gay bar where he generously paid for all my drinks while we waited for some other friends to arrive and after a few rounds of Nudey Picture Hunt, we went to another bar to dance the night away. This is when the night took a turn for the worse.

Sideshow was already obliterated by this point and was continuing to drink. At one point he turns and sees a man with a Navy insignia on his shirt and drunkenly leaves the group to go try and make out with this Hot Navy Guy.

When I say Hot Navy Guy I, of course, mean a man old enough to be Sideshow's great, great grandfather who was obviously attached to another man who Sideshow burst between to try to woo. The best part is that Hot Navy Guy was approximately 5'6 and Sideshow was stooping down so his face was right at his level.

After several failed attempts at making out with Hot Navy Guy, he moved onto Hot Navy Guy's boyfriend who was shirtless on the speakers with a shirtless gaysian. We turn around to find Sideshow also shirtless, trying to dance with these two who are not having any of it and slowly edging away from him. At some point, Sideshow tried to undo the belt buckle on the gaysian's pants and they all ran off the stage. Sideshow remained, dancing like the spirit moved him and ackwardly dropping it like it's hot while beckoning people to come dance with him. It didn't help that he's very skinny but with a bit of a gut which makes him look a little bit like a starving Africa baby with edema.

He soon returned and we made him put his shirt back on. He asked if we wanted rinks, we said no and told him he shouldn't either. He ran off and came back with beers for everyone which we begrudgingly accepted because otherwise he'd drink them all. Pretty soon he threw himself on top of me and said "Shhhhh I hooked up with that guy over there and I want him to think that you're my boyfriend he has a small penis". So I cringed and tried to chug my beer while he nuzzled me with his neck. The man wasn't even acknowledging Sideshows existence but for some reason this was absolutely necessary.

Before the night was over he was back on stage, shirtless, trying to make out with another guy who was a little more into it but then he continued to throw himself at Navy guy and his boyfriend who were happily dancing together when Sideshow sidled up to them and bear hugging them from the side. We soon had to leave and he insisted on going to a diner down the street for pizza which I practically had to carry him to and definitely had to help him sign the receipt (he ordered 2, 20 inch pizzas for 4 people).

From there we sat down where he set his head down on the table and passed out. The whole room was nervous and appalled at our indifference to our friend who we've seen in this state more times than we can count. One of my friends offered to go pull the car around which I said would be a good idea, after I sat Sideshow up in the table and he just sat there slumped and unresponsive, only a snore as a sign of life.

People offered to help carry him out of the diner but I said it was fine we'd be leaving soon and he was actually alright to which they nervously watched me. Soon our order was called and our friend came back with the car.

More horror as we went and put the pizza in the car and then came back for Sideshow haha

Eventually we got him up and he was walking around and puking all over the hotel across the street. One of the guys Sideshow had made out with before came over to see if he was alright. A homeless man did too and then proceeded to ask us for a dollar.

And of course, the next morning Sideshow completely unapologetic does not remember a bloomin' thing.

And this is just a few of the many reasons I need new gay friends. My first step is volunteering at a LGBT community center but knowing my luck they'll all be lesbians or recovering alcoholics or working off their DWI community service hours or something and all my humanitarian efforts will be a bust!

I guess I might also get the satisfaction of getting to help people or some crap like that but what's the good of donating your time and energy if you're not getting anything out of it.

Harumph!

My orientation is this afternoon so I will have to keep my dear diary posted.

2:^)