Whoops!

I just destroyed our toaster oven making puff pastry. Gay!

Apparently though you can cook the ham and cheese goodness in a conventional oven in the original plastic tray, this does not translate when reheating them in the toaster oven. 

I would have taken a picture but I had to quickly throw the smoldering ball into the nearest waste bin that is after cutting it free from the toaster oven itself. 

What a mess. It kind of looked like modern art though I titled it "Modern Man" before pitching it. 

And in case you were wondering... the puff pastry tasted undercooked. 

I'm sure I have 3 kinds of cancer now. 

2:^D

Open Letter to a Jerkface

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

You sir, are a doucheburgler of the highest order. We dated, you flaked then you come back to me months later trying to rekindle what we never had. You said it was because you were going through a lot of stuff at the time but then later revealed that you had dated (Read: Slept with)  5 people in the 3 months we had been apart. 

A few weeks ago you complained that boys don't like you. I corrected you by saying I like you but you rejected me. You replied with an itemized list

• You live far away
• You're busy all the time 
• I wasn't able to go out with you 
• I was pissed you didn't care about my shows

Even though I was always the one who drove to visit you, even though when you weren't working a full-time job you were in practices for a play at all hours of the night, even though you were able to "go out with" 5 other people but weren't able to go out with me, even though it wasn't that I didn't care about your plays but that I was not willing to come see you perform a minor role at a  crappy dinner theater performance  three counties away for 50 bucks  while I was taking 3 graduate level classes, working, doing an internship, running a club, sitting on committees, and fighting on behalf of graduate students at my university -  clearly I am at fault. 

Rather than say all that though I simply responded: "Maybe boys don't like you because you're a little dramatic" and you stopped talking to me for 2 weeks. 

Then one day I get a phone call from you but couldn't answer it as I was in DC and even though they are oftentimes the murder capital of the world, they are quite militant about enforcing their law about handsfree cellphone usage in the car. I would draw less attention from the po-lice performing a driveby than by ordering a pizza on my commute. 

When I didn't answer the first time you called back two more times.  I finally returned your phone call and the first thing you said was not hi but, "Oh... I actually meant to call someone else who has your name". And you are wondering why I hung up on you. 

Yesterday you text me that you want me to come over so I asked if you contacted the right person this time. 

Listen up closely because I'll only type this once. If you constantly act like an immature, over-dramatic, self-centered, bipolar dipshit don't be surprised that people reject you even though you're cute and funny and hung or whatever else you consider to be your "finer" qualities. 

I would say you should use your stage abilities to fool people into thinking you're not an insensitive dumbass but that's kind like putting lipstick on a pig - you're still dealing with a pig, and frankly you do not have the acting chops. 

Go right ahead and continue texting me and calling me, mistakenly or otherwise. This ship has sailed and is not coming back to pick you up. I'm going places in life you're sitting at the docks like the hooker that you are. 

I'll explain this to you in terms you will understand - Good luck finding someone willing to pay admissions for the shitshow that is your life.

Wow I feel so much better! 

2:^)

I suck at blogging.

So tonight I was at the gay bar waiting for my friend... who we'll call Redwood because he's tall like a forest (6'6 to be exact).

I was at the coat check and saw him in front of me with some girl. So I do what any reasonable friend would do and gave him a swift hard kick to the back of the leg. 

He turns around... gives me an angry look...

And it's then that I realized... I did not kick Redwood... I kicked some stranger... 

And after exchanging dirty looks with the stranger I realize I not only kicked  soome "strange"r but that the stranger in question... was Redwood's ex... who broke up with him through a text message.... through a friend. 

It took use both a second to realize.

Redwood's Ex: Ooooh hi!!

StuckingFupid: Hey there...!

Redwood's Ex: Good to see you again. How are things? 

StuckingFupid: Oh good you know... oh hey coat check I'll talk to you later.

Redwood's Ex: See you on the dance floor!

StuckingFupid: Yeah okay!

Needless to say we ignored each other like a check engine light.

2:^)

Be Kind To Your Librarian

Just because you are retarded and don't know how to use technology does not mean that I do not know the answer to your question. It means you don't understand the answer to your question.

That's why when you ask for my manager and it takes two of my coworkers to figure out what the hell you're talking about and how to respond to your question that you get know where.

You're dumb. Not me.

As for the rest of my patrons, don't use heelies because if you fall/almost fall I will laugh hysterically at you. 

I know there's a Papa John's across the street that does not mean you can bring an entire large pizza into the library... or any library ever for that matter.

That is all. 

Thank your librarians folks. 

2:^)

Adventures In Public Librarianship

The other day I was walking back to my car when two homeless men started yelling, "Hey Bossman" like any true city boy I didn't acknowledge their existence and scurried to my car. I threw my bookbag in the trunk and jumped into my car.

One of the vagrants came up and tapped me on the window so I did the standard roll the window down far enough they can't get a hand in. Unfortunately I have one of those automatic window roll down things which I can never get to work normally, but it did then and there was nothing but thin air protecting me from a hobo stabbing.

To describe the man he was very hairy, looked like a burn victim and was completely drunk. He even had a sketchy red cup in hand. As he wobbled there looking at me through bleary eyes he started assailing me with questions about where he could get some chicken wings. I told him I was new to the area and really had to get to class which only provoked more questions.

Then he asked to shake my hand which I obliged against my better judgment because in retrospect he probably gave me three types of hepatitis, but I digress...

So he continues to ask me questions about my life and times and then naturally asks me for money which I decline and say something nonchalant like I don't have any money either nothing's free in life haha and then he asked me for a ride which I used as my final way out of this conversation saying I had to go to school now.

So he asked me to shake his hand again and since I'd already done it once I figured I couldn't get anymore communicable diseases than I already did and as he's holding my hand he goes...

"Can I kiss yo hand?"

I squealed and said, "Absolutely not!" Then laughed hysterically as I rolled up my window so he couldn't even squeeze a finger in. He was laughing too repeating "Aboslutely not bwhahahahaha" and he asked if he'd see me again.

Such is a day in the life of me... I love public libraries for even more reasons now. More stories to come...

2:^)

Adventures in Dating Part 309845085

I recently went out to coffee with an adorable Indian man who is about 10 years my senior.

Unfortunately he has 3 strikes against him already which has nothing to do with his age or the fact he doesn't understand half of what I say. Words like kegger, douchebag, and skanky are just a few of the language barriers we have to overcome.

These are the least of my concerns.

While out at dinner he told me that he wants to date someone that his mother will approve of.
The catch being he's NOT OUT TO HIS PARENTS YET.

We were then sitting on his couch and talking. We'd had a glass of wine before going to the restaurant, had a glass of wine at the restaurant and then went back to his place where he offered me a night cap - another glass of wine. I do believe he underestimated my drinking abilities because he was HAMMERED and asking me all sorts of personal questions, which I hesitatingly obliged to answer. Except then he said something weird, "I have only been with one person in the one way and the other two in the other." I asked him what he meant by that, "You mean top or bottom?"

He replied, "Oh no that is too forward. I mean anal or oral." To which I thought for a moment and said, "So have you done anal?"

To which his reply was "I half had sex, it hurt too much we didn't do it."

So he's half a virgin!

Then... perhaps the most perturbing, yet somehow fitting event occurred (strike 3 if you're keeping track at home). I was able to look past everything he had said up to this point until he leaned in for a kiss... and then started kissing my neck and then got all Hands Across America.

Sounds hot right?

It is except when HE DOESN'T OPEN HIS MOUTH.

I'm sure it looked like a 1930s movie kiss because then he insisted we go back to his bed, which I thought maybe he'll part the Red Sea then BUT NO. More closed mouth "kissing".

I think this might have something to do with the fact that he is deathly afraid of getting hepatitis C and won't date a guy with tattoos as a result... but still! I'm no whore but I do insist you stick your tongue down my throat.

In other dating news. I was hanging out with my newest online friend - a conductor! He has a really gay Puerto Rican friend who he always goes out with who always ends up running off and talking to some random guys and ditching him. Every single time they go out this happens.

So last night the two of them were going out for cheap drinks and some dancing and he invited me along because he has abandonment issues now.

To make what could be a long story short - Mr. Conductor starts dancing with some guy and making out with him effectively DITCHING ME and the meantime Puerto Rican and I are hanging out and we start making out. (And I was kind of obsessed with this guy before I met him because he has a funny name).

We have a date on the Lord's day, assuming he remembers me from last night.

Essentially I am the UN. I've only been dating foreigners lately and I think I am the last vestige of foreign diplomacy in the United States.

I'm now against Immigration Laws.

2:^)

Oh double dating

Yet another milestone in my adventures in dating I went out with two guys at the same time.... lemme explain.

So a month or so back I went out with someone who was essentially bald, had shark teeth, and didn't have any boundaries. He touched me a lot, he harassed our poor waitress into giving me a free canoli for accidentally throwing away my doggie bag (which I most likely wouldn't have eaten anyway) and then he revealed himself to be the biggest apologist for the craziest professor at my undergraduate institution.

And yet I went on a second date with that slice...

Then there's my latest a young man that goes to a college near my house. He's an undergrad and we were talking online when he asked me out on a date.

So I really wanted to go out on Saturday and no one was around. The Usual Suspects were all busy and I alienated all my other friends who like to party. So in my desperation and because I remembered I had told him I'd call him days before, I called the undergrad to see how life was. He was so awkward and quiet on the phone I told him my whole life story twice and then told him I had to go even though I had just told him how bored I was and wanted to go out.

I called my friend to tell him what a socially awkward dweeb he is and in the meantime he signs on to ask me if he scared me off. I explained he's very quiet and he stated that he's very shy so eventually the urge to go out overwhelmed me and I asked him out. There was an unfortunate series of events that folllowed...

STRIKE 1: He told me he didn't have a car so he couldn't meet me out.

Sure he may have knifed me buuut I agreed to come pick up this stranger from the slum he lives in.

STRIKE 2: His response after that was "Is this your treat :-)?"

I'm not sure if I'm more annoyed by the use of emoticons or the cheapskate question itself.

From all of this I concluded that he might be a homeless man but I really really wanted to go out. But now that I committed I realized this could be an evening of us staring longingly into each others eyes because he is practically a mute.

Now recently date 1 (who got me a free canoli) had been hounding me about a 3rd date and he's always very talkative so...

Yes... I invited him along. I told them both the other would be there but the hilarity ensued.

Date 2 was a little more talkative but he doesn't really like bars and this particular night was zombie tour and they were playing things like the soundtrack from Rocky Horror Picture Show. My back started to hurt from carrying the conversation which was fortunate because who should appear - Date 1!

He came in gave me a hug and then offered to buy all of us beers. Date 2 didn't say a word the rest of the night. In the meantime I made the mistake of wearing a shirt with button snaps and made a joke about it. Date 2 was flirting with me lots and trying to touch me as per usual which was rebuffed. Then mid conversation he RIPS HALF MY SHIRT OFF. Luckily I was fast before a boob popped out but still... from there he started asking one of the barbacks why he wasn't shirtless and then without skipping a beat turns to Date 1 to say "YOU ARE SO QUIET"!

To which he characteristically replied with a shrug.

Soon I asked Date 2 if he would like to leave and he said "I'm ready to go if you are"

And Date 1 goes "That means he wants to go"

So we did.

And the night worked out great! Date 2 got the picture I don't want to go out with him anymore and Date 1 I don't have to worry about breaking it off because he only speaks when spoken to (half the time).

Who knew double dating was such a problem solver!

2:^)