Saturday, January 17, 2009

New Blog

Oooookay so I suck at updating this one but I have a new blog that is all about fulfilling my new years resolutions so hopefully I don't get too burnt out writing that one too! 

If you wanna follow along just let me know and I'll send you the addy. 



Monday, September 08, 2008

Watching my weight... go up!

So ever since graduating from my masters program, I decided to get my life back in order - eat right, work out, read more, date more. Then I got injured and couldn't work out, and then my schedule got thrown off so I ate out one day, and then I remembered how delicious it was to eat out so I ate out more and more to the point where my pants could have been registered as lethal weapons because the buttons could have flown off at any minute and killed someone. When you feel fat and gross you don't very much feel like dating anyone so it's all just a vicious cycle of bad eating which leads to other  poor life decisions. On the plus side I got plenty of reading done, but then again I am a librarian so that doesn't really count for much.  Still I was fat and happy and well read!

Now I just want to be happy give or take the books. Unfortunately I am at what some might call an awkward weight. In the gay community I am a sumo wrestler, in the straight community I am a skinny bitch and I would just like to be able to run up the stairs without getting winded so as you can see I am at quite a crossroads. My solution is working out at home so I don't have to be judged by all the fatty fatty 2 by 4s at the gym and won't be distracted by hot guys lifting weights (and any awkward lockerroom showering there after).

The first step of my fitness plan was to stop stuffing my face like a competitive eater and apparently my normal eating habits are starting to pay off. I went out with my friend Handyman (so named because he told me he likes to give out hand jobs - and no I am not one of his hand-i-johns) the other day and he commented that I looked like I had lost weight. I told him I just wear tighter clothes these days (which was true the shirt I was wearing that day had shrunk in the wash but it fit like a dream the day I bought it no wonder that piece of crap was on the clearance rack but so help me God I'll wear it until I get a hole in it but I digress...). 

Moments ago I weighed myself and it turns out I lost 5 lbs! 

Who knew not eating Snickers for breakfast could have such positive health effects. 

Today I started working out again and before you know it I'll be doing AIDS Walks and Marathons the world over... or at the very least I'll be taking the stairs instead of the escalator at work... but lets not get too ahead of ourselves.


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Thank God I'm Back in the USA!

Okay... so technically I didn't leave the USA but I can easily argue that I left civilization. While on a business trip, I had the grave misfortune of spending time in the hell mouth known as Herndon, Virginia near scenic Dulles Airport.

The hotel was lovely, I somehow accidentally signed up for a King Executive Suite that overlooked the soccer field where the mens team from San Juan or Guatemala  or some other place I couldn't locate on a map were practicing. I had to use a card key to get to my floor which I couldn't figure out the first time and had to use the fire exit to get to my room. If that hadn't worked I probably would have been on the 10 o'clock news as a jumper because I would sooner scale a building than ask for help from the concierge desk. 

The trip was miserable but here are some of the highlights of area: 

- the tap water tastes like a dirty creek
- English is a second language
- there is indoor smoking EVERYWHERE 
- there are 50 cent tolls everywhere, I went to McDonalds down the road and had to pay one
- when I signed my hotel bill I'm almost positive I also swore loyalty to God and Country

 I debated kissing the ground when I got home but I thought that would be excessive. 

Oh, Maryland My Maryland, I never knew how much I loved thee. 


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Purple Rain

I was talking to my friend on the phone when my mother brought in some furniture she took from her office. The colors were so loud I couldn't hear the rest of the conversation:

I'd like to title this picture, Crap I'll Inherit When My Parents Roll Off This Mortal Coil or Rest In Peace Grimace:

Sadly there probably isn't even any hope that shit would go up in a fire, it looks pretty flame retardant. 

As if the chairs aren't enough, my mother also brought home a matching love seat. Yes, someone made a Barney the Purple Dinosaur colored furniture set of these visual abortions!!!!!ii1i1!i1!

I'm sure I'll look back on this later with amusement some day but until then I'm going to plot ways to haul this junk off in the dump before my sister and I have to fight over who gets what during the will.

"No you take it!"

"No I insist you take it! Mom would have wanted it that way..."


Sunday, May 11, 2008


I just destroyed our toaster oven making puff pastry. Gay!

Apparently though you can cook the ham and cheese goodness in a conventional oven in the original plastic tray, this does not translate when reheating them in the toaster oven. 

I would have taken a picture but I had to quickly throw the smoldering ball into the nearest waste bin that is after cutting it free from the toaster oven itself. 

What a mess. It kind of looked like modern art though I titled it "Modern Man" before pitching it. 

And in case you were wondering... the puff pastry tasted undercooked. 

I'm sure I have 3 kinds of cancer now. 


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Open Letter to a Jerkface

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

You sir, are a doucheburgler of the highest order. We dated, you flaked then you come back to me months later trying to rekindle what we never had. You said it was because you were going through a lot of stuff at the time but then later revealed that you had dated (Read: Slept with)  5 people in the 3 months we had been apart. 

A few weeks ago you complained that boys don't like you. I corrected you by saying I like you but you rejected me. You replied with an itemized list
  • You live far away
  • You're busy all the time 
  • I wasn't able to go out with you 
  • I was pissed you didn't care about my shows
Even though I was always the one who drove to visit you, even though when you weren't working a full-time job you were in practices for a play at all hours of the night, even though you were able to "go out with" 5 other people but weren't able to go out with me, even though it wasn't that I didn't care about your plays but that I was not willing to come see you perform a minor role at a  crappy dinner theater performance  three counties away for 50 bucks  while I was taking 3 graduate level classes, working, doing an internship, running a club, sitting on committees, and fighting on behalf of graduate students at my university -  clearly I am at fault. 

Rather than say all that though I simply responded: "Maybe boys don't like you because you're a little dramatic" and you stopped talking to me for 2 weeks. 

Then one day I get a phone call from you but couldn't answer it as I was in DC and even though they are oftentimes the murder capital of the world, they are quite militant about enforcing their law about handsfree cellphone usage in the car. I would draw less attention from the po-lice performing a driveby than by ordering a pizza on my commute. 

When I didn't answer the first time you called back two more times.  I finally returned your phone call and the first thing you said was not hi but, "Oh... I actually meant to call someone else who has your name". And you are wondering why I hung up on you. 

Yesterday you text me that you want me to come over so I asked if you contacted the right person this time. 

Listen up closely because I'll only type this once. If you constantly act like an immature, over-dramatic, self-centered, bipolar dipshit don't be surprised that people reject you even though you're cute and funny and hung or whatever else you consider to be your "finer" qualities. 

I would say you should use your stage abilities to fool people into thinking you're not an insensitive dumbass but that's kind like putting lipstick on a pig - you're still dealing with a pig, and frankly you do not have the acting chops. 

Go right ahead and continue texting me and calling me, mistakenly or otherwise. This ship has sailed and is not coming back to pick you up. I'm going places in life you're sitting at the docks like the hooker that you are. 

I'll explain this to you in terms you will understand - Good luck finding someone willing to pay admissions for the shitshow that is your life.

Wow I feel so much better! 


Saturday, April 05, 2008

I suck at blogging.

So tonight I was at the gay bar waiting for my friend... who we'll call Redwood because he's tall like a forest (6'6 to be exact).

I was at the coat check and saw him in front of me with some girl. So I do what any reasonable friend would do and gave him a swift hard kick to the back of the leg. 

He turns around... gives me an angry look...

And it's then that I realized... I did not kick Redwood... I kicked some stranger... 

And after exchanging dirty looks with the stranger I realize I not only kicked  soome "strange"r but that the stranger in question... was Redwood's ex... who broke up with him through a text message.... through a friend. 

It took use both a second to realize.

Redwood's Ex: Ooooh hi!!

StuckingFupid: Hey there...!

Redwood's Ex: Good to see you again. How are things? 

StuckingFupid: Oh good you know... oh hey coat check I'll talk to you later.

Redwood's Ex: See you on the dance floor!

StuckingFupid: Yeah okay!

Needless to say we ignored each other like a check engine light.