Saturday, November 03, 2007

Adventures in Dating Part 309845085

I recently went out to coffee with an adorable Indian man who is about 10 years my senior.

Unfortunately he has 3 strikes against him already which has nothing to do with his age or the fact he doesn't understand half of what I say. Words like kegger, douchebag, and skanky are just a few of the language barriers we have to overcome.

These are the least of my concerns.

While out at dinner he told me that he wants to date someone that his mother will approve of.
The catch being he's NOT OUT TO HIS PARENTS YET.

We were then sitting on his couch and talking. We'd had a glass of wine before going to the restaurant, had a glass of wine at the restaurant and then went back to his place where he offered me a night cap - another glass of wine. I do believe he underestimated my drinking abilities because he was HAMMERED and asking me all sorts of personal questions, which I hesitatingly obliged to answer. Except then he said something weird, "I have only been with one person in the one way and the other two in the other." I asked him what he meant by that, "You mean top or bottom?"

He replied, "Oh no that is too forward. I mean anal or oral." To which I thought for a moment and said, "So have you done anal?"

To which his reply was "I half had sex, it hurt too much we didn't do it."

So he's half a virgin!

Then... perhaps the most perturbing, yet somehow fitting event occurred (strike 3 if you're keeping track at home). I was able to look past everything he had said up to this point until he leaned in for a kiss... and then started kissing my neck and then got all Hands Across America.

Sounds hot right?

It is except when HE DOESN'T OPEN HIS MOUTH.

I'm sure it looked like a 1930s movie kiss because then he insisted we go back to his bed, which I thought maybe he'll part the Red Sea then BUT NO. More closed mouth "kissing".

I think this might have something to do with the fact that he is deathly afraid of getting hepatitis C and won't date a guy with tattoos as a result... but still! I'm no whore but I do insist you stick your tongue down my throat.

In other dating news. I was hanging out with my newest online friend - a conductor! He has a really gay Puerto Rican friend who he always goes out with who always ends up running off and talking to some random guys and ditching him. Every single time they go out this happens.

So last night the two of them were going out for cheap drinks and some dancing and he invited me along because he has abandonment issues now.

To make what could be a long story short - Mr. Conductor starts dancing with some guy and making out with him effectively DITCHING ME and the meantime Puerto Rican and I are hanging out and we start making out. (And I was kind of obsessed with this guy before I met him because he has a funny name).

We have a date on the Lord's day, assuming he remembers me from last night.

Essentially I am the UN. I've only been dating foreigners lately and I think I am the last vestige of foreign diplomacy in the United States.

I'm now against Immigration Laws.



At 12:01 AM, Blogger Polt said...

Hopefully you'll be less impotent than the UN is. :)

Really, sweetie, you need to write a book. I'm not sure exactly about what, but with all these dating tales of woe, they ought to be collected somewhere and sold to interested parties.

i'd buy one. :)


At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Foreigners are hot - I am in a small town so there aren't many other than the latinos who work the horse farms - I've been with more than a few of them. Mostly they just want to fuck you over and over, which is fine with me. Threesomes are nice too.



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