Some People Play Sports, I Ruin Lives

So my arch nemesis had a boyfriend that lived far away who he perpetually cheated on because he is an insatiable buttwhore. The ex-boyfriend is from South Africa and currently lives in Frederick, Maryland. Write that down, it becomes important later.

One day he even allude to the fact that he was going to cheat on this boy again with another ex-boyfriend of his, who he has always claimed was the love of his life. Unfortunately for my arch nemesis, this was just after I had been told by two of my friends that he'd been saying he hated me to people even though I thought things were fine. I supposed inviting someone to your Christmas party, hanging out with them all the time, sleeping in the same bed with them, etc. doesn't qualify for friendship.

Needless to say it was at that time I had made up my mind to surreptitiously ruin his life. There are so many ways to get back at people - sleep with their boyfriends, burn all their worldly belongings, slip them a mickie lock them in the trunk of their car and push it into a river, etc. However I decided to choose a much more dastardly approach - psychological warfare.

I'm fortunate that for whatever reason people confide in me with EVERYTHING - their secrets, other peoples secrets, and those secrets tend to get very personal. Arch nemesis and his friends, had left me with a stockpile of ammo to use against him and use it I did. I began by text messaging my friend Obnoxious Girl and telling her that arch nemesis, who she had hung out with all semester, had told two of our friends that he didn't trust her and that he didn't really consider her a close friend (yeah they've known each other since literally day one of freshmen year, but no - not cose). Obnoxious Girl, as you can well imagine is not a girl to be crossed. Next to me she is the HBIC Head Bitch In Charge. She effectively cut off half of his group of friends over night.

So after I heard Arch nemesis say he was going to cheat on his current boyfriend with the Love of His Life, I had too ways of tackling the situation. Track down current boyfriend or track down Love of His Life. I tried to do both. Unsuccessful on finding current boyfriend I did locate Love of His Life because I remembered he had a friendster account. I created an account, logged on, and sent him a friendly message.

After a revealing a few choice details, he told me he had contacted Arch nemesis to get to the bottom of things, he could tell from his tone that he was clearly lying so he emailed me back and said "here's some justice for you - I'm done with him and all the boys in Southern Maryland."

This whole time I was on the student government executive board so the next step was clear - turn them against him. It was easy because... well... I'm more likable than him and people were already upset with him over little matters. I just stirred the pot a little (See: A Lot) and soon had half the executive board threatening to quit. Unfortunately we didn't but he could feel the tension, he even tried to buy us off by taking us all out to dinner. It didn't work but it was still valiant effort on his part.

It was around that time I started to feel bad for him and pulled back. I began to realize that spending any amount of time or effort on this boy was too much time. The final step of the revenge was living well. I got into graduate school, I got a job, I lived it up with my friends and made new ones. Meanwhile, he was hemorraghing friends and spiraling out of control. The damage I had done was slowly revealing itself. If it weren't for the fact that I was forced into an awkward situation where his father told him I wanted to say goodbye to him and arch nemesis came out and hugged me and my family proving he is fake to the bitter end - I probably wouldn't have let him have it in an email where I confessed that I ruined his friendships, turned people like Obnoxious Girl against him, etc. The last thing I ever said to him was "Hope you don't become a statistic."

Cut to this week. I went to a party at Obnoxious Girl's house. She has taken on a part time job at Best Buy in Frederick, Maryland. Any guesses as to who her boss is?

That's right! My arch nemesis' ex-boyfriend from South Africa! (See I told you it would be important.)

After talking a little bit they soon realized their connection. My arch nemesis had been calling him regularly because he was supposed to move to New York. "Just say the word and I'll stay here for you." His response was to pretend he lost service.

Obnoxious Girl had told ex-boyfriend several dirty secrets about Arch nemesis because he'd been telling his ex he'd only slept with 3 people when the real number is more like 13. One of those bakers dozen was a one night stand with some old, old, old, old, old, oooooooold black redneck down at Ocean City.

The next time Arch nemesis called and began talking about how many people he'd been with he asked if that's what he told that black redneck at the beach. Needless to say he was not pleased.

The best part comes though when one day the ex-boyfriend calls Arch nemesis and says, "Guess what?! I work with one of your really good friends from college!"

Arch nemesis: Who?

Ex-Boyfriend: Guess!

Arch nemesis: Boy or Girl?

Ex-Boyfriend: Girl.

Arch nemesis: Well I don't know I have a lot of female friends. Just tell me I'm dying to know!

Ex-Boyfriend: [Obnoxious Girl]!

Arch nemesis: ... My life is over.

Early next year, he will be moving to Florida with his family.

All I have to say is

2:^)