An Open Letter

Dear Friend In A New Relationship,

It's great that you've found that special someone you can share your love, feelings, and bodily fluids with. I'm happy for you. Truly. I am. You're a good person and you deserve good things to happen to you. I wish nothing but the best for you two for the many weeks you are together.

With that said, I'm not sure how to interpret your email this morning "Major sex hair" as I believe I made it quite clear that I did not want to be CCed about developments in your romance department. In fact, I believe I stated it explicitly:

"Be sure to tell me how the sex is... minus the telling me part".

When I said this you seemed quite flabbergasted that I wouldn't want to know but you seem to forget that I only delight in other people's misery not happiness. Don't worry many people who don't know me very well or who are blind, deaf, and dumb have made this mistake before so don't feel too bad. Just remember you can come to me when that bastard splits up with you and you need someone to vent too about his hairy back, small family jewels, or hillbilly smile. Then I'm your man. I'll happily wake up to find that email in my inbox. Until that day comes though keep it moving, there's no goodwill here and I am not a charity so shove off.

You're such a nice guy that I can almost look past the fact that you being in a relationship with another gay man limits the tiny tiny gay dating pool by two more men. Your generous nature and kind spirit almost makes me want to apologize for my overtly cold and sarcastic "Congratulations" to which I replied to aforementioned sex hair email. But then you responded with this:

"Your man is coming, don't worry. Just keep being open and stretching your comfort zone.

I've been putting myself out there ALOT for the last SEVERAL months, so it's about payday. :)
It's just takes time....and it's good too, because I realize that there are some really nice guys out there, you just have to sort through them."

You tried to give me dating advice...apparently meeting a guy online just last week and fooling around with him on his couch as you watch Pirates of the Carribean qualifies you as some sort of relationship expert now.

My heart is stone to you! Stone. Yeah I felt bad that I was being such a jerk and let you tell me all the knitty gritty details that you were just going to tell me anyway, but that is the last shred of compassion you will see from me buddy pal.

I like to make people laugh, entertain them, and generally make sure everyone is having a good time. But this, this just annoys me. I like to think I'm Apollo who, when he took back his gift of healing, would leave plagues and devastation. Well I am taking back my gift of hilarity from you you fool, go get your cheap laughs elsewhere- perhaps from your lover since he's apparently so great. You'll be awash in a sea of boredom at work now jerkface and you've got nobody to thank but your own ill-advising self!

See ya on Monday. Hmmph.

2:^)