Livin' La Vida Loca*

I was devastatingly early to work today so I did not get to commence with my calling in late for work plan and the rest of the day went on relatively without incident except that my librarianing nemesis complemented me. She said I did an excellent job on something I had completely forgotten I had done a week or two back and from there she started talking to me about World War II knitting while she photocopied a children's crocheting book. Fortunately for me the copier jammed during the conversation and I used this distraction as an opportunity to run away. Haha just like squid ink.

Hmm maybe she hates me because I show no interest in our conversations... nah

Many of you may ask how one gets through the fast-paced, high-octane, glamorous life of a librarian employee, and let me tell you it's not easy but I will reveal my secrets to you. I manage to make it through the day by A) looking at obscure websites, B) taking grainy low-quality pictures of strangers on my camera phone, and C) purposefully fudging my assignments.

Obscure Sites Quarterly:

Here is what we in the business like to call a beard weirdo or beardo:

(Picture care of USA Beard care of David E. Carmazzi)

What's weird though is that I saw lots of photos where men with beards like the one above, were shown in the thick of a throng of women - they have Beard and Mustache Hags! Oh yeah they're everywhere. If you want a woman fast get yourself some crazy facial hair and you'll be fighting off the wimmens with a pointy stick (hiyooo double entendre).

The only way thing that would complete this man's appearance would be a meat hat

My Budding Career as a Stalkerazzi:

There is this adorable little man whose name is, I shit you not, Mr. Peacock (insert candlestick in the observatory joke here). More often than not though I refer to him as the World's Oldest Man because... well here see for yourself:

Yes I am available to be hired for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Prints of this photo can be ordered for $10.

That glowing thing to the left is Mr. Peacock, complete with hump, eating his little sandwich that he made himself. Being the amateur that I am I completely forgot to turn off the flash on my camera but Mr. Peacock didn't seem to notice or care as he just went on gumming his food. Dining with him is the enormous blue bag he carries EVERYWHERE he goes/shuffles. Normally I would be afraid of mentioning his real name and showing his real picture except for that fact I'm pretty sure the last of his kin died during the Ice Age. So we're all set!

When Mr. Peacock isn't wandering around the floor of my library and asking my Korean coworker how to say things in Chinese, he's busy sharting out a lung in our bathrooms. Today I was checking for duplicate copies of books when he shuffles past me at top speeds toward the bathroom. Being a good 20 feet away from the bathroom, you would think I wouldn't be able to hear anything but oh no no my friends. I. Heard. Everything. The acoustics must be amazing in there because I could have sworn he was crapping into a microphone. If I ever built an amphitheater I'm definitely modeling it after that stall. For serious.

Anyway he ambled out not a care in the world, no idea was I was standing in there in horror thinking about what that bathroom probably looked/smelt/etc.ed like after he had his way with it.

Message In A Map Case:

For over a week the student assistants and volunteers at the library have tirelessly catalogued part of the map collection at our library and now one of the librarians wants to label those maps without going over 6 characters for some reason. This is a problem because many of the folders will go like this. The first folder will be North Crackton to Shithead Town, the second folder will be Shitland to TugJobton.

The horror! The folders would say Nor thru Shi and Shi through Tug. Two SHIs?!? The patrons will get confused!!!

So now it is our job to go back through the maps and move maps around so that such a duplication does not occur. If we have to move more than 5 maps though he said we will go with 8 characters for those.

I can proudly say that I have not followed directions once and have in fact purposefully shifted more maps than necessary because I cam across such titles as Gaylord and Jewel which when broken down to 6 characters is Gay and Jew. Teeheehee

It's like the DaVinci Code... but for idiots!

And I'm damn proud of my work.

Here's to another day of not getting fired.

2:^)

Linkity Love:

CyberPete
Jason
Old Man Six Shooter
WhiteFlameNZ


*Yes I do hate myself for quoting Ricky Martin in the title of this entry.