Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Learning To Be Gay, One Gay At A Time err Day

Because my life is currently all work and no play (being car-less and all), I will again talk about work.

Today I was given the challenging task of counting microfiche (a job skill which will surely put me a cut above the rest when I'm thrust upon the market). In order to make the time pass by a little quicker I decided to go join one of the librarians and a student assistant (who was also counting microfice - that shit is all over the place) in the break room. I entered just as they were having a conversation about attraction and was already starting to feel a little uneasy.

The straight, allbeit kinda gay, student assistant said that the only men he can admit to finding attractive are half asian half black... which just made me picture Tiger Woods:
And nothin' against Tiger Woods, I've got no beefs with him...but... I find him repulsive to look at because he reminds me of ET The Extra Terrestrial:


Seriously you have to admit that resemblance is un-freakin'-canny. Anyway this assured me 100% that the student assistant is as heterosexual as they come because for some reason bad taste in men = heterosexuality to me.

So they soon turned their sights on me and the librarian asked kind of vaguely, "What types of... people do you find attractive?"

People, of course, being code for you are queerer than a 3 dollar bill... wearing a rainbow cape... watching gay porn... having a gay orgy... and I know it. I had to think for a moment about about how I should respond. Everyone in my office is very liberal and they have all those gay safe space signs posted up all over the place like it's wall paper so it's not like I was expecting any kind of negative reaction. And well, though I don't like to think it, I am told I am rather flamboyant and it's pretty obvious that I'm gay (which I suppose should have become apparent to me when I came out to my mother and her reaction was to laugh and say, "I knew it!"). But still. You can take your presumptions and stuff it. So I decided my approach would be to respond with vagueness.

"Well it's been awhile so I'm pretty much attracted to everyone."

Then a new "kill" came in, one of the other librarians entered the room and they turned their line of questioning on him and he just stared at them until he left him alone. Clever boy! I suppose part of my hesitation to just tell people I'm gay is that some people (who don't have a lot of experience with gay people, or at least with one as chatty and uninhibited as me) then take that as an invitation to ask every stupid question they ever wanted to direct toward a gay person that comes to their mind. You got your typical "Are you out to your family?", "When did you first know you were attracted to guys?" types of questions, but eventually it avalanches into questions like:

"Do gay guys lose their virginity twice? Like once for the top and again for the bottom?"

"How do you prepare for butt sex?"

"Why don't you believe in lesbians?"

And how DO you answer questions like that. I mean I like to think of myself as a repository of information but I am by no means an authority on all things gay. How does one delicately address the semantics behind backdoor action? I'm practically a virgin by gay man terms. Should I refer them to a more experienced source?

I usually just say I'm uncomfortable with this line of questioning and that seems to do the trick. But I do feel an obligation to educate the masses, the poor gayless masses.

What is a gay to do?

2:^)

5 Comments:

At 9:05 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Thank god I don't have to deal with that kind of stuff. There were two things that got me my job:

1: my experience.
2: that fact that I AM a big-homo.

Funny thing happened today, though. My general manager (straight guy) was showing me a picture of a prominent woman in Key West. He was going on and on about how she really looks like that, smells wonderful, and has tits out to here... I just looked at him and said 'why are you telling me this?' He just goes, 'oh, yeah. that's right.' He's a moron.

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

No one ever asks me at work what kind of men I find attractive or anything regarding my virginity. Hmm. I don't know if that's because 1) I'm straight B) my workplace is pretty conservative or 3) they're terrified of the answers.

 
At 2:08 AM, Blogger fairfromfair said...

Love it! I remeber the first time I was asked about being gay in the first school I was working in... exactly the same thing happened. It's like the straights have a manual on this sort of thing (hmmmm would love to read something like that). It's almost like a hunting manual - "How to Approach a Skittish Gay Without Chasing it Off"
I tend ot love the bum sex questions for some weird reason. It's like I am amazed that they have the nerve to ask so what the hell they get a very descriptive answer.

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger On Top, Downunder said...

Totally agree, I have no qualms about telling people im gay if they ask, but I just cringe at the line of questions that follows. They always start with 'did you always know' and lead through to 'but you've slept with girls aye'. It was funny the first time, mildly amusing the second, repetitive on the third, and painful on the fourth. Needless to say I have come out to hundreds of people now, so im constantly in pain.

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger Polt said...

1) "No actually we lose our virginity three times, actually" and sit there with a sly grin on your face.

2) "Lots of lube, sweetie. LOTS of lube."

3) "Cause they don't believe in me."

I always just answer all thier questions patiently, if a bit sarcastically. hey, better them to be fully informed than ignorant.

Course, if there IS an idiot that's asking the questions, he's liable to get the responses above. :)

 

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