Me On Relationships

This is the type of advice you can expect from me when talking about your relationships:

Frienderson: This is our first time going out out. Not just to one of our apartments.

Your Hero: That's exciting! Wear something lowcut. So where are you going with your lover?

Frienderson: Well we are going to Bethesda cause that's where he lives.. but we cant go out till 9:30 and most places there close at 10 so I don't know maybe Cosi?

Your Hero: Tacobell?

Frienderson: Too fancy.. I don't want to scare him.

Your Hero: True that place screams committment.

Frienderson: Yeah I mean... "3 choices of hot sauce??? are you trying to get me to marry you??"

Then she sent me his picture.

While this guy was (thankfully!) very cute, I would just like to say to all my friends who happen to stumble upon this blog here this is just a brief translation from what I say to what I actually mean when you show me their photos:

"Cute, how old is he?" = You grave robber/wasn't that guy the before picture in a Rogaine commercial?

Cute = Meh (s)he's alright.

Cute! = Gah what mutant genome experiment went horribly wrong?! Why aren't they in a lab being studied/covered up by the government?

Awww = Awwwhyuckcoughhack if it were possible to vomit out of every orifice of my body I'd be doing it right now because of that dogfaced loser. This person stands as both a testament against people who believe in a benevolent and merciful God as well as a poster child for birth control.

Nice (smile, hair, eyes, etc.) = This is the only feature on his/her entire body that I can remotely say anything genuinely nice about.

Cool tattoos! = Seriously, is this Satan's love child. They have more ink on them than a coloring book.

"Oooh! Does he have an identical twin?" = Please God tell me there aren't two of these running around muckin' up the gene pool in the world.

Nice pic = Kudos to the photographer for capturing your lover in all of his/her revolting hairlipped cauliflower-eared caveman-foreheaded unibrowed glory.

2:^)