I Hope College Never Ends

This weekend I visited my alma mater to see a few friends. The two most popular reactions I got were:

"AAAAHHHH OH MY GOD [STUCKINGFUPID]! *Big Hugs*"

Or

"Oh hey... wait... didn't you... graduate?" *Hugs*

My responses:

"Hey!"

Or

"I failed a class."

Just to fuck with'em.

The weekend was filled with tons of debauchery. I drank. I probably got second hand high. I eye raped my friend's friend's boyfriend. Sure this is just like any other day of the week for me, but I was away from my family and that's all that's important.

My favorite night had to be last night (or this morning depending on how you look at it) because it was by far the craziest. I didn't go to any of the parties I was supposed to attend or see most of the people I was supposed to visit but that didn't prevent me from hanging out with strangers and having an excellent time.

Loading up a goody bag full of boxed chardonnay (classy I know) and some beers (See: Coors Light, See: A beer aficionado's toilet water), I went with my friend over to one of her friends' houses. I didn't think I would know anyone that lived there but when we entered the house I saw HIM.

For convenience we will call HIM Brace Face because that's the first thing you see when you look at him (at least when he has his shirt on... I'll get into that later). Brace Face is obsessed with one of my friends who we'll just call My Evil Twin (which will also become integral to the story later).

The boys apparently had a party the night before and somehow tore through 80 beers in the process. Seeing as how they were alcoholless we decided to share our wine with them while we talked about pretty much anything that came to mind. They weren't the funniest group of people but I don't think anyone's friends are as funny as mine.

After awhile they got bored and wanted to do something and when they couldn't come up with anything they opted to find some pot and get stoned. My friend was already drunk off her ass by this point and was ready for anything. Not being a pot head I gave them my blessing to search some out. They ran upstairs to check around online. Meanwhile I peacefully laid back on these strangers' sofa, drank my beer, and text messaged all my friends who I had stood up that night (whoops!).

People seemed to be wandering in and out, all of whom I knew somehow so I chatted with them as I finished up my apology-a-thon. Soon I found myself alone and beerless so I went to the fridge to get another drink. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a very shirtless very hairy boy go running by. I thought it was weird but I was too busy trying to wrestle the top off my twist off bottle to care about this half naked stranger running through the house. It was then that I hear:

"[STUCKINGFUPID]!"

It was Brace Face. I'm not sure if he was high or drunk or just a little off his rocker, but before I know it I was in a bear hug with that hairball. When he released me from his tight grip I took a swig of my drink. He started to ramble at me:

"Now I understand that you're close friends with [My Evil Twin] right?" Indeed. "Well I think she is a really good person and I like to be friends with people that like to help others and she's that type of person. Now I don't know whether you and I share the same beliefs on things or not but I think you're a good person too." Clearly this boy knows nothing about me. "And just to let you know you are always welcome in my home. If you need a bed you can have mine or my roommate's or..." and proceeds to offer me the beds of every single one of his housemates.

I smile uncomfortably and tell him that's awfully kind of him. We shake hands and without skipping a beat he continues on his mad dash through the house and out the back door. I ran upstairs to tell his roommates. Later we would find out he went from there to a neighbor's house where kids were shrooming and ended up freaking them all out.

I climb the stairs and turn toward their room to see them scraping the inside of a bowl with a swiss army knife. They couldn't find anyone with pot so they were resorting to smoking the resin from smoke ups of Christmases past.

Your Hero: So I just shared a very special moment with [Brace Face] in the kitchen?

Roommate: Are we talking first or second base here?

Other Roommate: Oh God is he proselytizing again? He gets like this sometimes and goes into sermons with everyone.

After smoking a bowl or two of resin, they discovered a lock box under Brace Face's bed which they proceeded to try and pick with a lock picking kit (god only knows why they have one didn't ask, didn't want to know). After continually failing to pick the lock, I spoil their fun by proposing the idea that he probably has the key close by like perhaps in his desk (and lo and behold there's the key on his keychain in his desk). They open the lock box which doesn't sustain their interest for long though, just papers and an old baseball. They start scraping a different bong for old resin.

Soon Brace Face busts into the room and they hide the bong. He was apparently getting into some sort of debate with someone.

"The Bible is totally subjective!" Was the last thing I heard before Brace Face grabbed a Bible out of his desk drawer and climbed out the window onto the roof. He was furiously flipping through, stopping at random passages and reading them outloud. He then stuck his head back in the window to say, "The Bible... studies have shown the Bible to be consistent over time and objective!"

"Then why are there different versions?"

"That... bah! That doesn't matter I'm talking about..." and turns back to his Bible lost in thought.

At that point we shut and locked the window while he preached from the rooftop. A few minutes later we heard through the window that he was planning to get off the roof by jumping off the roof. We quickly open the window and tell him to come back inside. He refused. He pretty much had his heart set on jumping off the roof but his roommates grabbed him and tried to pull him back in before he reached the ledge.

"I'M JUMPING!" He yelled while struggling.

"Dude, you'll break your neck or hurt yourself!"

He started screaming something about how pain is relative when they all decided to give up and let jump off. A few minutes later he climbed back through the window and ran out of the room. He was later spotted wrestling someone to the ground outside.

The pot ran out I was finished my beer and crazy had left the building so I went home to go to bed.

These are the type of experiences you can only have at college.

I miss it.

2:^)

And here's a sexy picture of me (from my eyes up). Enjoy boys and girls!