My Weekend Antics

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my list of gay things left to do. I completely overlooked having sex in public places or in threes. Good points all around. Looks like I've still got so much to experience.

Anywho I realize I haven't written in awhile and that's because I've been traveling all over the the Greater Baltimore/DC Metropolitan area.

On Friday I went to my friend's Tony the Tumor party (she had serious brain surgery and decided to celebrate by having a blow out in her basement complete with Jungle Juice and bracelets that said Fuck Tony). There I got to meet a lot of stoners and a kid I suspect is a lumberjack.

He had a beard, was wearing flannel, and told us about a chainsaw accident he had in southern Maryland. Fortunately for him he only cut his arm up and just had to get stitches but he's lucky. After all, I went to school in southern Maryland and those hospitals are where people go to die. He's lucky they didn't see the wound and offer him a wooden block to bite down on and a handsaw. Instead I think the apothecary ground up some herbs in the back and let him wash it down with 190 proof alcohol before they sewed him up.

Lumberjack: If the wound were just a little shallower they probably would have just spat on my arm to clean out the dirt and sent me on my way.
Your Hero: Who spits on people? Unless they're prostitutes.

My friend had a dog named Achilles that kept bursting into the room every once in awhile all excited at the prospect of jumping on people. Animals are naturally drawn to me so of course the first thing that happens when I enter the house is that this cow of a dog makes a b line straight for me, attempts to lick every surface of my body, and then jumps up on me which nearly brought me to the floor. Fortunately they yelled heel in time to save me.

"Achilles, heel"

*GROAN*

But I still thought that was amusing. In the morning her Greek mom made us too much food and then her Greek Republican father came to join us at breakfast to talk about politics and that's when my friend Loudmouth and I decided to gracefully run screaming from the table and the house.

From there I had convinced Loudmouth to come to Southern Maryland with me. She has been all white peopled out and wanted to see her black friends from college. We had to pick up a friend who lives near DC before that who was going to Southern Maryland to finalize her break up with her ex-boyfriend who she ended it with in late June. We told her if they ended up hooking up we were leaving her in Southern Maryland but she promised to remain strong and ever vigilant.

We dropped our friend off at her ex's place. He bought a house down in Southern Maryland thinking it would be there love shack and a shack it was. It is conveniently located just a block away from the local strip joint, which is the type of place where enter, the dancers put their drinks down, brush the peanut shells off their pregnant/beer bellies, and begin to put on a show for you. And the ladies are so fine they can't feel it when you put your cigarette out on them because of old scar tissue from a gunshot wound they never went to a doctor about.
So Loudmouth and I left her and gave her the code word Ca-CAAAW if she needed us to drive the getaway car, and then peeled wheels out of there.

After harassing some orientation leaders and resident assistants who were on campus early, I left Loudmouth to go be with her people and then drove to meet my favorite roommate at my favorite Mexican Eatery. I had a Texas Margarita and probably a DUI if I had been pulled over and breathalized but that's neither here nor there. My favorite roommate and I drove to our favorite liquor store where they recommended a beer based off the label which has a man with birds flying out of his ass. I bought a 6 pack of it and we went back to his place, caught up, drank a ton, and then watched Blade Trinity - only because I wanted to see Ryan Reynolds shirtless.


Mmmmm. Just to let you know that this entry constitutes right of ownership. Consider it my wedding announcement for my marriage to Ryan Reynolds. Today I heard Osama Bin Laden is obsessed with Whitney Houston and wanted to put a hit out on Bobby Brown, and if I hear about any of you marrying Ryan Reynolds I too will declare jihad on you. I shit you not just try me. You can have Jake Gyllenhal I don't want him.

Anywho. So after I was done with my hang over I decided to come back home. Our friend made out with her ex-boyfriend and wanted to stay for a few more days, so being the good friends that we are we left her in Southern Maryland and told he we suspect her ex is trying to get her pregnant so she can never leave him.

I then picked up Loudmouth because she kept complaining she was sweating her balls off and we drove off into the sunset.

Loudmouth: What's wrong with your car why's it doing it?

Your Hero: Oh that's nothing. It does that when it's hot out. Perfectly normal.

Loudmouth: Good because my worst nightmare is being stuck somewhere with you because neither of us know anything about cars!

Your Hero: Hahahaha!

I didn't tell her until we were almost to my house, but my check engine light had been on for an hour up to that point.

Bwhahaha!

2:^)