Oh What A Night

So my sister came back from a harrowing experience on the road. Apparently something is wrong with her Jeep's tires and she was swerving and hydoplaning all over the place. This was unfortunate because she had to get the cake and balloons for her coworker's birthday party. She asked if she could borrow my car or if I could drive and not wanting to go out in this hurricane weather I said, "Drive away!"

Right before she was about to leave though she said, "Are you sure you don't want to go?" which was basically her way of begging me to drive because her, and I quote, "nerves were shot from being on the road before". Being the good brother that I am and the big loser without plans on a Friday night, I willingly assented. So we drove to the Safeway to get the cake, where a toothless bakery cashier took our order.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: What's the order?

TheSister: Its a half chocolate/half yellow quarter inch pan cake that says, "Happy Birthday Luke!"

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: We couldn't do half and half.

TheSister: Oh okay well which half is it?

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Ummm... I think it might be yellah. (Editor's Note: His favorite is chocolate). And we couldn't read the handwritin' on the order and you said his name was Lake?

TheSister: No it's Luke!

(Bleedin' Gums Murphy opens the cake to reveal the cake says neither Lake nor Luke but Lucky)

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Oh see I thought there was a C in there so I told them to put Lucky.

TheSister: Is there any way you can just scrape off the wrong letters and put an E on there?

Bleedin' Gums Murphy: I ain't a decoratah!

TheSister: Oh... well thats fine... but umm... is there any way we can get... a few dollars off because the order was kind of screwed up.

That's when I wanted to break down and cry "This is the worst birthday I've ever had!" just to see if we could get it for free but I refrained myself and besides the woman did give us 4 dollars off which is pretty good I guess.

From there we drove to our local Party City and listened to one of the balloon inflators lament about being the only male employee working that night. As he complained about the women he has to work with and how he's about to up and leave this place so he can spend time with his babies, I snuck off to check out the costumes. I found a pretty spiffy pimp hat and some oversized rock star glasses which were fun to play with, and by time I got back he was still going on. One of the balloons (which had Superman floating in it - the advancements of balloon technology both thrill and excitement) cost about 15 dollars more than it should have.

As we were standing in line at the register I almost tripped a lady that was running back and forth with last minute items - not purposefully but I definitely wouldn't have picked her up if she had face planted in the Party City. In fact I probably would have gone and gotten one of those confetti cannons to celebrate... however, like the balloon, they were also overpriced so it would have been an expensive celebration of disregard for my fellow man.

From there we loaded the balloons into my car (only losing one along the way) and started to head home. It was then, on one of the busiest roads in my town, that the car stopped moving, the oil and battery light flashed on, and my breaks gave out.

Good times.

I tried to turn my car off and restart it to no avail so I slowly forced my little Princess Gary (that's his name he's a drag queen) to the side of the road so I wouldn't be blocking traffic.

My sister called my mom who was at home. She was being cranky and said call my father. My father said he'd be right over and to call AAA (the American Automobile Association, not to be confused with AA which I will also probably be a member of by time I'm done with grad school/all my car woes). I called AAA and the mental giant on the phone sounded really confused about where I was located even though I practically drew her a map with words. She then said, "Okay we'll send a tow truck to pick you up from the highway as soon as we can" and hung up. The only problem with her goodbye... despite the actual lack of a goodbye was that I WAS NOT ON A HIGHWAY!

So then I awaited the tow truck people to call. Soon after I received a call from the good people at AAA to inform me that due to the massive flooding (thanks Ernesto!) there would be a delay for the tow truck.

My father arrived before my mother (despite her being miles closer), but when she finally did arrive my sister ditched me to go celebrate this stupid birthday party. I told her to tell Lucky Happy Birthday.

Meanwhile my father sat down in my car and tried to have idle banter with me but I stopped him mid sentence because he had an enormous black hair protruding from his nose, not the nostril, I mean like on his nose. It was standing at attention and I couldn't hear a thing he was saying because that thing was flapping in the breeze. I informed him of the offending hair. He immediately started plucking at his nostrils. "NO NOT THERE." He started aimlessly thumbing at his nose.

Finally, not being able to stand this display any more I asked him if I could remove it for him. He said yes and so with my mighty thumb and index finger I yanked that sucker out and showed it to him. His response - "Ewww!"

Yeah. It looked like an eye lash hair.

From there he started randomly wiping at my fogged up windows which annoyed me because it would leave his finger prints all over it (I drew a smiley once 2 years ago which is still on my windshield to this day). I yelled at him to stop, then a few minutes later he started doing it again but this time to the side window. I asked him what he was doing.

Papa Bear: Just checking out my car.

Your Hero: THEN GO GET IN YOUR CAR!

Not normally one to take such a subtle hint, he got out of the car, slammed the door and got into his own car.

Nearly an hour had elapsed so I figured if I was going to be stuck in this car, I was going to make myself comfortable. I threw myself in the backseat of my car, which surprisingly I've never been in 2;^) and discovered an ashtray I didn't know existed. I then remembered I had a sleeping bag in my car and lined the back seat with it. For the next half hour I entertained myself by text messaging people and memorizing the numbers on objects in my wallet. I now know both my credit card and debit card numbers, my university ID number, the barcode number on my university ID, my AAA membership card number, and some long drawn out number on my drivers license.

Right when I was about to move on to some gift cards, I received a call from the tow truck driver. Now there is a debate going on about this tow truck driver. My dad thinks he was foreign. I think he was mentally challenged. The world may never know. Either way, the think tank over at AAA told him the wrong road and as I was explaining to him exactly where I was he somehow managed to miss the road I was on entirely. Some point later a AAA employee called to say there was some sort of break down in commnunication between me and the tow truck driving which again was either due to his poor mastery of the English language or his mental deficits (maybe a little of column A and B) so I explained again where I was and that I was in a neighborhood near an intersection of two major roads.

I get a call a few minutes later. The tow truck driver is at a Shell station ON THE ROAD I AM ON. He kept asking me whether he needs to go East or West so because the moon wasn't out, I located the North star using my training as a boy scout and was then able to determine THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST QUESTION EVER, I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE I WAS and asked him if he was at the Shell station near... and listed a ton of places. He had no idea he simply asked me "Right or left" so I took a 50/50 shot and said right. And Right I Was! (Yay double meaning!)

He soon arrived and then started asking me what was wrong with my car and I let my father field the questions from there. They threw around words like starter and alternator and autobots and decepticons. Whatever. I don't know what they said exactly but it was all very macho and stupid and it was raining so I got into my dad's car and waited for them to finish their car knowledge pissing contest so we could drive the car over to where it will hopefully be fixed (or more hopefully declared dead so I can get a new one).

On the way over I suggested that my father tip the tow truck driver (because while I may yell at strangers with little prompting I am not an all together a heartless individual) and I also apologized to my father on the car ride back home. Sure my father may be a pain in the butt but he did drop everything and go out of his way to come pick me up, and with the many broken relationships my other gay friends have with their fathers I am grateful for that tiny shred I have with mine.

Even if that shred involves body hair plucking and ear piercing screams... I still love him and that's a fact.

2:^)