Maybe Recluses Have The Right Idea

Am I the only person who thinks that nice people are assholes? Honestly I don't see how one can subscribe to the nobody's perfect philosophy when all the evidence to the contrary indicates a person may or may not be the devil himself. To me people with this worldview are just being apologists for awful behavior and are almost as culpable because they perpetuate it by whitewashing the situation. If I had my way every liar, cheater, backstabber, and Green Party candidate would be shipped off to an island, thrown in a pit, and given broken bottles and rusty spoons to battle each other in mortal combat. Until then I will just have to continue on being the bane of those people I don't like through public humilation and relational aggression, because you NICE people certainly aren't helping the siutation. Sure my glass house may have nary an unbroken window left in it, but I think that just adds much needed charm and character. Hmmph! A pox on you nice people! A pox!

I've been very cranky recently (in case you couldn't tell). My life, or rather, my friends' lives have been a series of unfortunate events and they keep clinging to the GoodShip StuckingFupid to guide them through the mericless waters of that bitch I call life. I'm always here to give them advice or at the very least cheer them up, but it's beginning to weigh on me. I'm only one man (fine, boy, I'm only one boy) and can only stop being my usual apathetic self for so long before I start going all crazy and feeling emotions and shit. They're dragging me down into the depths with them! Away from me with your problems, lousy sea urchins. I've got my own problems and I don't want to deal with them either.

My crankiness is compounded by the retards I work with. One just got some bunnies and I shit you not she's made a web shrine to them already. They're cute but for Christsake who does that. This is the same worker that I like/hate because she yells at me for no reason. I think I'm starting to understand her though. The first thing I noticed is that whenever I exaggerae anything she tries to correct me even if her first react is to laugh.

Asian Librarian: My grandfather made a good point about our backyard, that if we ever wanted to have another kid and build an addition, we would have to move because there's no way to get a truck back there.

Your Hero: Meh, just buy a bigger bed.

*Laughter abounds, hey they're easily amused people*

Condescendia the Patronizing: Haha except there are laws against how many male and female children you can have occupying a particular room at a given time. Haha.

*Laughter has a stroke and dies*

The second is that she talks down to everyone and my response is almost always a curt, "Okay", which roughly translated in StuckingFupid Speak means "Shut Up Or I Will Skull Fuck You!" or "I love you more than candy" in case any of my coworkers should ever stumble upon this happy page.

Here is just one example of why I refer to her as Condescendcia the Patronizing. Today she pulled me off of what I was doing to show me how to free up a paper jam, which is fine because it is a new pritner and even though I've freed up paper jams in tons of different printers this one actually requires the removal of parts in order to do it. But no it couldn't rest there. Not only did she show me how to free the paper jam, she launched into a lengthy explaination as to why paper jams occur. "You'll find when the weather is humid, the paper curls and tends to get stuck more often. What we usually like to do is avoid certain trays that have a tendency to jam or turn over the paper and see if it'll work on a reprint. Now some people find that rolling the paper into a tube and shoving it up their asses helps but I don't like to do that because I can't talk down to you when my mouth is full."

"Okay"

I have a theory, based off of the old insult "You're so full of shit your eyes are brown", that has stood the test of time (as both my father and my nemesis have baby browns) so I'll have to take a gander at her sockets next time I go into her office to steal her Peanut M & Ms.*

It's not like she'll notice any is gone it's like a 62 oz bag and could feed a whole circus of elephants.

Oh I'll have to write that one down and tell her at some point. I can already picture the little gears grinding to the hault at my exaggeration as she calculates the tonnage of food elephants eat in a day and how it's near impossible one economy size sack of M & Ms could adequately cover their needs). If she's not dead by time I'm done working there she'll at least be grey and bald from stress.

But so will I if my friends don't stop telling me about their problems.

Gah! Gotta go someone has a crush and needs to talk about it. *Le Sigh*

2:^)