Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Adventures In Public Librarianship

The other day I was walking back to my car when two homeless men started yelling, "Hey Bossman" like any true city boy I didn't acknowledge their existence and scurried to my car. I threw my bookbag in the trunk and jumped into my car.

One of the vagrants came up and tapped me on the window so I did the standard roll the window down far enough they can't get a hand in. Unfortunately I have one of those automatic window roll down things which I can never get to work normally, but it did then and there was nothing but thin air protecting me from a hobo stabbing.

To describe the man he was very hairy, looked like a burn victim and was completely drunk. He even had a sketchy red cup in hand. As he wobbled there looking at me through bleary eyes he started assailing me with questions about where he could get some chicken wings. I told him I was new to the area and really had to get to class which only provoked more questions.

Then he asked to shake my hand which I obliged against my better judgment because in retrospect he probably gave me three types of hepatitis, but I digress...

So he continues to ask me questions about my life and times and then naturally asks me for money which I decline and say something nonchalant like I don't have any money either nothing's free in life haha and then he asked me for a ride which I used as my final way out of this conversation saying I had to go to school now.

So he asked me to shake his hand again and since I'd already done it once I figured I couldn't get anymore communicable diseases than I already did and as he's holding my hand he goes...

"Can I kiss yo hand?"

I squealed and said, "Absolutely not!" Then laughed hysterically as I rolled up my window so he couldn't even squeeze a finger in. He was laughing too repeating "Aboslutely not bwhahahahaha" and he asked if he'd see me again.

Such is a day in the life of me... I love public libraries for even more reasons now. More stories to come...


Saturday, November 03, 2007

Adventures in Dating Part 309845085

I recently went out to coffee with an adorable Indian man who is about 10 years my senior.

Unfortunately he has 3 strikes against him already which has nothing to do with his age or the fact he doesn't understand half of what I say. Words like kegger, douchebag, and skanky are just a few of the language barriers we have to overcome.

These are the least of my concerns.

While out at dinner he told me that he wants to date someone that his mother will approve of.
The catch being he's NOT OUT TO HIS PARENTS YET.

We were then sitting on his couch and talking. We'd had a glass of wine before going to the restaurant, had a glass of wine at the restaurant and then went back to his place where he offered me a night cap - another glass of wine. I do believe he underestimated my drinking abilities because he was HAMMERED and asking me all sorts of personal questions, which I hesitatingly obliged to answer. Except then he said something weird, "I have only been with one person in the one way and the other two in the other." I asked him what he meant by that, "You mean top or bottom?"

He replied, "Oh no that is too forward. I mean anal or oral." To which I thought for a moment and said, "So have you done anal?"

To which his reply was "I half had sex, it hurt too much we didn't do it."

So he's half a virgin!

Then... perhaps the most perturbing, yet somehow fitting event occurred (strike 3 if you're keeping track at home). I was able to look past everything he had said up to this point until he leaned in for a kiss... and then started kissing my neck and then got all Hands Across America.

Sounds hot right?

It is except when HE DOESN'T OPEN HIS MOUTH.

I'm sure it looked like a 1930s movie kiss because then he insisted we go back to his bed, which I thought maybe he'll part the Red Sea then BUT NO. More closed mouth "kissing".

I think this might have something to do with the fact that he is deathly afraid of getting hepatitis C and won't date a guy with tattoos as a result... but still! I'm no whore but I do insist you stick your tongue down my throat.

In other dating news. I was hanging out with my newest online friend - a conductor! He has a really gay Puerto Rican friend who he always goes out with who always ends up running off and talking to some random guys and ditching him. Every single time they go out this happens.

So last night the two of them were going out for cheap drinks and some dancing and he invited me along because he has abandonment issues now.

To make what could be a long story short - Mr. Conductor starts dancing with some guy and making out with him effectively DITCHING ME and the meantime Puerto Rican and I are hanging out and we start making out. (And I was kind of obsessed with this guy before I met him because he has a funny name).

We have a date on the Lord's day, assuming he remembers me from last night.

Essentially I am the UN. I've only been dating foreigners lately and I think I am the last vestige of foreign diplomacy in the United States.

I'm now against Immigration Laws.