Thursday, April 24, 2008

Open Letter to a Jerkface

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

You sir, are a doucheburgler of the highest order. We dated, you flaked then you come back to me months later trying to rekindle what we never had. You said it was because you were going through a lot of stuff at the time but then later revealed that you had dated (Read: Slept with)  5 people in the 3 months we had been apart. 

A few weeks ago you complained that boys don't like you. I corrected you by saying I like you but you rejected me. You replied with an itemized list
  • You live far away
  • You're busy all the time 
  • I wasn't able to go out with you 
  • I was pissed you didn't care about my shows
Even though I was always the one who drove to visit you, even though when you weren't working a full-time job you were in practices for a play at all hours of the night, even though you were able to "go out with" 5 other people but weren't able to go out with me, even though it wasn't that I didn't care about your plays but that I was not willing to come see you perform a minor role at a  crappy dinner theater performance  three counties away for 50 bucks  while I was taking 3 graduate level classes, working, doing an internship, running a club, sitting on committees, and fighting on behalf of graduate students at my university -  clearly I am at fault. 

Rather than say all that though I simply responded: "Maybe boys don't like you because you're a little dramatic" and you stopped talking to me for 2 weeks. 

Then one day I get a phone call from you but couldn't answer it as I was in DC and even though they are oftentimes the murder capital of the world, they are quite militant about enforcing their law about handsfree cellphone usage in the car. I would draw less attention from the po-lice performing a driveby than by ordering a pizza on my commute. 

When I didn't answer the first time you called back two more times.  I finally returned your phone call and the first thing you said was not hi but, "Oh... I actually meant to call someone else who has your name". And you are wondering why I hung up on you. 

Yesterday you text me that you want me to come over so I asked if you contacted the right person this time. 

Listen up closely because I'll only type this once. If you constantly act like an immature, over-dramatic, self-centered, bipolar dipshit don't be surprised that people reject you even though you're cute and funny and hung or whatever else you consider to be your "finer" qualities. 

I would say you should use your stage abilities to fool people into thinking you're not an insensitive dumbass but that's kind like putting lipstick on a pig - you're still dealing with a pig, and frankly you do not have the acting chops. 

Go right ahead and continue texting me and calling me, mistakenly or otherwise. This ship has sailed and is not coming back to pick you up. I'm going places in life you're sitting at the docks like the hooker that you are. 

I'll explain this to you in terms you will understand - Good luck finding someone willing to pay admissions for the shitshow that is your life.

Wow I feel so much better! 


Saturday, April 05, 2008

I suck at blogging.

So tonight I was at the gay bar waiting for my friend... who we'll call Redwood because he's tall like a forest (6'6 to be exact).

I was at the coat check and saw him in front of me with some girl. So I do what any reasonable friend would do and gave him a swift hard kick to the back of the leg. 

He turns around... gives me an angry look...

And it's then that I realized... I did not kick Redwood... I kicked some stranger... 

And after exchanging dirty looks with the stranger I realize I not only kicked  soome "strange"r but that the stranger in question... was Redwood's ex... who broke up with him through a text message.... through a friend. 

It took use both a second to realize.

Redwood's Ex: Ooooh hi!!

StuckingFupid: Hey there...!

Redwood's Ex: Good to see you again. How are things? 

StuckingFupid: Oh good you know... oh hey coat check I'll talk to you later.

Redwood's Ex: See you on the dance floor!

StuckingFupid: Yeah okay!

Needless to say we ignored each other like a check engine light.