Monday, January 22, 2007

My Latest Scheme

Three weeks ago my coworker offered me a ticket for Wicked. He had bought the tickets because he thought he'd have a boyfriend by now but as luck should have it he was all alone. Just like me. So when he said he'd like me to go with him, I greedily accepted his offer. He had also been wanting me to show him the sights around Charm City so we would be killing two birds with one stone. If there's nothing I like more than hanging out with friends it's multitasking and day planning!

Filled with delight I went ahead and starting finalizing our little excursion. It was to be this weekend.

About two weeks ago my coworker started chatting with a man on Apparently they have lots in common. Both from small towns, both have ministry backgrounds, blah blah blah. They've seen each other twice and then this weekend they had a date to watch Devil Wears Prada together. It's all my coworker could talk about all day Friday as I helped him move all of his worldly possessions into his new apartment. I nearly threw myself from his terrace when he stopped to read me a text message from him.

So they had their little date and then I get this jewel in my inbox last night:

Hi [Stuckingfupid],

I momentarily have email...If it storms bad and campus closes tomorrow (in the off chance...) call me ok. I'm so isolated without tv OR internet. lol.


So, glad you came down on Friday. I really appreciated your help and your company, it was fun and much less stressful than if I'd been by myself.

So, last night's date went really well....Tell you about it tomorrow.

AND...So, will you hate me if I ask [My New Midget Boyfriend] to see Wicked? I hope not. I suppose I'd get over it though. lol.

No, seriously, it's why, when I told you about them, that I said "if I don't have a date". I gave $80 a ticket so I'd like to take a date who I might get some action out of afterwards. lol. I haven't asked him yet, but if he says no, you are at the top of the list. And if I don't come up next weekend, we will set another Saturday immediately for my official debut on the Baltimore scene.


Good night best friend,

[My Stupid Coworker] smile.

To which I kindly responded:

Yay momentary email. I'll be sure to call you if campus closes.

About the tickets yes I'd hate you but they're yours to do what you want with. If we don't hang out this weekend it might not be for awhile because the weekend after that I'm visiting friends in [at my alma mater] and then after that I can't make any promises because of grad school soooo it might have to wait until summer when I'm not busy.

This morning he made it official and told me that his New Midget Boyfriend had accepted his offer, which makes me think that he had already asked him and was just being nice in that email because he also mentioned that he was so torn up about this that he had to ring up his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor for some guidance.

All of this had to have happened sometime between the hours of 9:30 Sunday night and 7:30 Monday morning when I called him to tell him we were late for work. It's possible but... it doesn't take Batman to question this caper.

So he tells me he's going with the Midget and I said, okay well I'm glad you told me this now so I can make plans with my friends I haven't seen in months.

He then told me what his AA sponsor had said about all this:

"Would you rather take your boyfriend or your girlfriend? Take your boyfriend."

I may be a bitch. And I may have a little of the flame. But I detest nothing more than being referred to as a girlfriend, a woman, anything. I left a lunch table and went and sat with strangers for months freshman year of highschool because a kid said "he's not gay he's just a girl". While I think it's all good and well to have the milk bags and a hooha, it's very insulting to belittle someone's masculinity even if they're gay and kind of a big woman anyway. I wanted to eat his face in that very moment. I'm pretty sure my hatred was palpable as he decided to change the subject and tell me about his weekend which consisted of him spending time sitting on a couch at his friend's house. It was soon after I asked him why he wasted my time with that story that he left the room and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the day.

I suppose I am being a little bit immature but the whole situation is distressing. First, I don't like hearing every stupid thing he says to his boyfriend because they are neither interesting nor cute. Second, I feel slighted as he has abandoned me who he has known since September, and spends at least 20 hours a week with, for some guy he's known a little less than 2 weeks and has only met in person 3 times. Third, I need a man.

Which brings me upon my latest scheme: A fitness plan.

Today I decided to jump on the elliptical machine to work off a little hatred and while it didn't work I feel damn good about myself which is always a plus. It felt so good in fact I've decided that I am going to try to work out at least 3 to 4 times a week so now when I say that in my online profiles it will actually be true! That is until I get a boyfriend.

I call this new workout plan Get Healthier or Get A Boyfriend.

Something tells me I'm going to be VERY healthy.

*Le Sigh*

But maybe that'll help me get a boyfriend. It's a like one of those paradoxes which came first the chicken or the egg... but in that situation I've also thought to ask "That depends... which one was the man".

I'm here all night.


Friday, January 19, 2007

My Life: The Comedy

So here's a story about three little pigs and not that stupid one with the wolf.

The first little piggy is a Jewish hairstylist-in-training with a belly button ring. He has a faux hawk and is very pretty/gay. I went to coffee with him and we got along great I even bought the book Running with Scissors upon his suggestion which is very good. We have a lot in common. We have great conversations.

I soon began to realize, that the first little piggy never initiated conversations with me so I decided to do a little test. I would not message the first little piggy again until he messaged me.

I have not spoken with him since.

Which takes us to the second little piggy I went on a date with. The second little piggy is an auditor who works about 60 hours a week, he's slightly portly, but is a great person all around. I was not attracted to the second little piggy but I thought I'd give it to shot because I haven't been on a date in awhile and I don't like to reject people outright. I started talking to the second little piggy on a Monday, we planned a date for Sunday, and on Friday he was already asking me if I wanted to be his boyfriend. By Sunday he was probably already picking a flower girl for our Commitment Ceremony.

It became clear on Sunday, when we met at a goofy diner in Charm City, that there was no chance that I would ever be attracted to him despite the fact he has all the qualities I am looking for in a man. The connection just wasn't there.

He later asked if I had a good time with him and I explained how I thought he is a great catch but not for me and tossed him back in the ocean. He was devastated and told me he's glad he didn't call his mother because he was going to tell her all about me!

I narrowly escaped the clutches of that clingy monster.

He still wants to be friends and is convinced I will eventually fall in love with him but there aren't enough psychotropic drugs in the free world to ever force that to happen. He has insisted we hang out this weekend and I've already built up a solid wall of excuses not to.

My hopes are that I can stall hanging out with him to the point he gets over me or at the very least says he's over me while in actuality he still touches himself to my MySpace profile.

Finally there is the third little piggy. He's a classically trained pianist studying at one of the most prestigious schools in the world, has kind of a beak on him but is still cute nonetheless. He told me I was cute too and that he wants to meet me for coffee.

Unfortunately this was after he revealed that his neighbor is his FUCK BUDDY and a few weeks ago he made out with a bar tender that he's in love with.

Tonight he tried to convince me to go a gay bar with him. When I said I couldn't he said I had to because his bar tender/fantasy boyfriend (who gave him his number last night) would be there. When I asked why I should care, he said that he would need someone to talk to while the bar tender is busy serving other people their drinks.

Now I'm not one to wish ill on someon-okay I totally am I hope he falls and breaks both of his wrists. Don't hit on people and then wax on about all the people you're sleeping with/wish you could date. Trying to make me jealous doesn't work it just makes me want to hit you with a bag of doorknobs.

It doesn't help that my coworker, who I finally got over, went and cut his long girlish hair and now looks too cute for me to ignore! And now that he's adorable he's found the man of his dreams who looks like an 80 year old munchkin though is only 2 years older than him. He just can't get enough of telling me how great this guy is either. I get to hear all about how they both were in seminary school and both grew up on farms and both like diet Coke and both sit when they take a crap gah I don't care! But I'm being nice nonetheless and wish them both the best even if I express that to him by pretending to vomit every time he mentions his name...

And so here I am once again, the loneliest number in the world. A part of me fears that I'm always going to be the funny sidekick, never the dashing hero who always gets the girl guy... and worst a small part of me is growing comfortable with that thought.

I will shrug that off though and persevere. My man is out there somewhere and no prince on a white stallion will be able to sweep him away because he only has eyes for me. Hopeless devotion, eternal love, some crap like that. Until then, losers prepare yourself. These boots were made for walking. I will date you and will dump you, until that day a very special kind of loser comes along... one that I'll go completely gaga for and he'll be Mine all mine forever. And then I can bother one of my friends with the details of our love life, like how we both enjoy drinking liquids ohmygodwehavesomuchincommon!!!!

And this little piggy won't go running home cryin' his blog about his boy troubles ever again.

Or at least they won't be getting a boy troubles.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Happy New Year bitches!

So I haven't had quite the diarying gusto that I thought I would (teehee diarrhea gusto), but here I am back to inform the masses of the fabulous ongoings in my glamorous librarian life. When we last left off I was busy revealing that I am a fake bitch when it comes to telling people their lovers are ugly (whereas I am painfully honest in virtually all other aspects of life).

Now because I'm too lazy to actually talk about them and you are just as lazy about reading them here is the cliff notes version of how I've spent my break thus far.

- I went to a lesbian bar and was disappointed because the place didn't stink of feminism. There was a pleasingly high level of short-cropped hair, thug wear, and militant boots which tickled me pink.

- I went to some bars in Towson and there had a conversation with the greasiest latino man I've ever met. He was calling my friend a whore and when I said he's probably just as big of a whore he replied, "Yes dis iz troo" Hah! Later my best friend (the asian) was determined to go to some bar and made a b-line for it. One of the fellas in the group promptly chased down, scooped her up in the middle of a cross walk, and brought her into a different bar entirely.

- I went to my friend's wedding which was beautiful and sad all at the same time. I might never see her again, but a few high lights included our hotel in the finest prostitution district in all of western Maryland, the concierge warning us to call downstairs if a black man with silver teeth is in our room (who we later saw in the back of a police car), and holding hands with a Navy guy during a slow dance (I'll let you wonder about that one haha).

- I met a boy for coffee who is very cute, very gay (apprentice hairstylist with a belly button ring), and very boring unfortunately. But we'll see perhaps these things take some warming up. Still it has to be pretty bad when a librarian thinks you're boring...

- I have two other boys trying to court me as well. For some reason I have a sudden plethora of boys to pick from but I'm not really attracted to any of them in any way... still it is very flattering so I'm keeping all my options open which either makes me a tease, a whore, or a bitch and possibly all three. Whatever I haven't been out there much so if nothing else hopefully I'll make some new friends and meet guys that are decent and restore my faith in gay men.

I think that's it. Other than a bonfire/band/barn celebration I didn't entirely successfully make it to on New Years the rest of my life is simply Blaaaah.

How about you all? Have fun times?