Sunday, September 30, 2007

Oh what a life

Friday I went to a party and there was a girl with one blood red eye. We were playing a little game called circle of death and a few drinks in she was not paying attention so I called her 28 Days Later to get her attention.

As retribution, the gods smought me in the form of a young guitarist who pulled out his "axe" and started playing. My tone deaf friend joined in singing the words and pretty soon every dumbass in the room was shredding my ear drums. An hour into this I started to fall asleep on the sofa when one of the strings broke on the guitar. Things were looking up until one of the housemates said, "I've got a guitar upstairs".

Not only did they come back with a guitar, they came back with THREE guitars and the kumbaya continued so I went to bed.

The night of drinking and debauchery let me completely drained I took a 3 hour nap only to be awoken by a phone call by friends who were already drunk at 8 o'clock and wanted me to come over. After insulting my profession and throwing a couple names out there I was convinced to come over, where we did a power hour, shot gunned some beers in front of two police cars and then I wrestled a girl to the ground. Unfortunately she overpowered me and MOTORBOATED me like the motorboating mother fugger that she is.

The night ended with a movie and then the motorboater went to her bedroom with some boy boy she picked up off the streets (I forget where). Apparently there hawt night of passion involved bad making out. She had to do everything and then he started giggling only to reveal he is a virgin and then he laid there like a rock while she tried to kiss him some more. Eventually she gave up and rolled over. He left her a Dear John later saying he had a good time. She's thinking about giving him a second chance to see if he was a bad kisser because he was drunk, but signs point to no because she doesn't want to go taking anybody's cherry any time soon.

In other news I am dating someone, he is half black and all man. I like him lots but I haven't seen him in over a week and he's being a weirdo so I might be back on the market fellas. Mothers lock up your sons! Stuckingfupid on the loose!


Friday, September 07, 2007

Sideshow (Shitshow) Bob

My friend Sideshow Bob, for all intense and purposes, is a walking palm tree. He's 6'6, thin as a rail, and has big curly hair.

Ever since he got contacts he has decided that everyone is always "cruising" him including a friend of a friend of mine who is not into giants.

Sideshow Bob is what some may call a professional drinker. Beer is like mother's milk to him and liquor is the air he breathes. He is notorious for getting rip-roaring drunk and disappearing or getting naked... usually both. Two weeks ago was no exception.

I drove Sideshow Bob to local gay bar where he generously paid for all my drinks while we waited for some other friends to arrive and after a few rounds of Nudey Picture Hunt, we went to another bar to dance the night away. This is when the night took a turn for the worse.

Sideshow was already obliterated by this point and was continuing to drink. At one point he turns and sees a man with a Navy insignia on his shirt and drunkenly leaves the group to go try and make out with this Hot Navy Guy.

When I say Hot Navy Guy I, of course, mean a man old enough to be Sideshow's great, great grandfather who was obviously attached to another man who Sideshow burst between to try to woo. The best part is that Hot Navy Guy was approximately 5'6 and Sideshow was stooping down so his face was right at his level.

After several failed attempts at making out with Hot Navy Guy, he moved onto Hot Navy Guy's boyfriend who was shirtless on the speakers with a shirtless gaysian. We turn around to find Sideshow also shirtless, trying to dance with these two who are not having any of it and slowly edging away from him. At some point, Sideshow tried to undo the belt buckle on the gaysian's pants and they all ran off the stage. Sideshow remained, dancing like the spirit moved him and ackwardly dropping it like it's hot while beckoning people to come dance with him. It didn't help that he's very skinny but with a bit of a gut which makes him look a little bit like a starving Africa baby with edema.

He soon returned and we made him put his shirt back on. He asked if we wanted rinks, we said no and told him he shouldn't either. He ran off and came back with beers for everyone which we begrudgingly accepted because otherwise he'd drink them all. Pretty soon he threw himself on top of me and said "Shhhhh I hooked up with that guy over there and I want him to think that you're my boyfriend he has a small penis". So I cringed and tried to chug my beer while he nuzzled me with his neck. The man wasn't even acknowledging Sideshows existence but for some reason this was absolutely necessary.

Before the night was over he was back on stage, shirtless, trying to make out with another guy who was a little more into it but then he continued to throw himself at Navy guy and his boyfriend who were happily dancing together when Sideshow sidled up to them and bear hugging them from the side. We soon had to leave and he insisted on going to a diner down the street for pizza which I practically had to carry him to and definitely had to help him sign the receipt (he ordered 2, 20 inch pizzas for 4 people).

From there we sat down where he set his head down on the table and passed out. The whole room was nervous and appalled at our indifference to our friend who we've seen in this state more times than we can count. One of my friends offered to go pull the car around which I said would be a good idea, after I sat Sideshow up in the table and he just sat there slumped and unresponsive, only a snore as a sign of life.

People offered to help carry him out of the diner but I said it was fine we'd be leaving soon and he was actually alright to which they nervously watched me. Soon our order was called and our friend came back with the car.

More horror as we went and put the pizza in the car and then came back for Sideshow haha

Eventually we got him up and he was walking around and puking all over the hotel across the street. One of the guys Sideshow had made out with before came over to see if he was alright. A homeless man did too and then proceeded to ask us for a dollar.

And of course, the next morning Sideshow completely unapologetic does not remember a bloomin' thing.

And this is just a few of the many reasons I need new gay friends. My first step is volunteering at a LGBT community center but knowing my luck they'll all be lesbians or recovering alcoholics or working off their DWI community service hours or something and all my humanitarian efforts will be a bust!

I guess I might also get the satisfaction of getting to help people or some crap like that but what's the good of donating your time and energy if you're not getting anything out of it.


My orientation is this afternoon so I will have to keep my dear diary posted.


Saturday, September 01, 2007


I've got so much to tell you about diary and so little time.

First I would just like to note my love life or lack there of. I now have, what I refer to as, a Statue of Liberty dating policy. By that I mean, bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses and I'll date'm... at least once! I will not discriminate based on race, ethnicity, religion, country of origin, physical appearance and so forth, just gender and age. Sorry 65 year old tranny stores closed! 23 year old guy who looks like battery acid was thrown in your face? Open for business!

Secondly, I felt like a homewrecker the other day. Barring I never met someone dateable I am on a quest to make more gay friends and here is why.


A Chronological Timeline of my Love/Hate Relationship with the Pianist:

I first met the Pianist a few months back on We chatted a bit and exchanged numbers so one day when I was in his neighborhood at the local gay bars with my geishas I contacted him so we could finally meet in person. He was already there when we arrived, drinking scotch and smoking cigarettes. Pretty soon that volatile combination hit him hard and he had to run off.

The second time I met him was when one of my geishas (that's what I call my two asian fag hags) and I decided to ditch some friends at a bar. We were having a miserable time, stepped outside for some air, and randomly decided to leave to go to a gay bar without telling anyone... a 40 dollar taxi later and we were in! I texted Pianist to meet us there and in the meantime we ran around drinking and talking to strangers. While at the gay bar, we met a slightly balding guy and his friend. Pianist finally arrived and we went to the dance floor. I was dancing with Pianist and we were getting kind of Hands Across America with one another, when the balding guy kept trying to dance with us. Eventually Pianist and I started making out and that gave a pretty clear sign that neither of us was interested. I then turned to find my geisha also making out with a gay man. >:^O Eventually we parted ways and Pianist and I wouldn't see each other until a few weeks later.

Then was when we first went out to dinner together. He'd called me about mid afternoon to see if I would like to go to dinner with him and I jumped at the chance even though it meant I wouldn't be able to eat until at least 10 o'clock at night. So we went to a local pizza place by my house which is very delicious and more importantly cheap. He asks me what's good so I tell him and as I'm going to hand out my money he insists on paying for me. We had a great conversation, we devoured our pizza, and then he wanted to dessert so we headed down the street in my car where he also paid. When we got back into my car we said goodbye and he demanded a kiss on the cheek which I happily obliged.

We hung out a couple of times since then and it was all very flirty and fun. Sometimes he wouldn't come out though because he said he had money issues. I said I am a graduate student with about 38,000 dollars in loans out so I am the last person to complain about that to and he said he had loans out too.

A week later we hung out again just me and him at the bar to watch some karaoke. He got rip roaring drunk and was telling me about this guy he went out on a bad date with recently and how he had just seen him at the bars. This kind of bothered me and the rest of the night he was being completely plastered, we went down the street to a diner where he told me how great his fuck buddy is, how he's had so much sex in his life the condoms would completely cover the table we were sitting at, started bragging about his penis size, and then started asking me all these personal questions and tried inviting into his house but then said he couldn't because the place was messy. Needless to say, I was not pleased and he knew it even in his drunken state. I went home and he instant messaged me to say don't be mad at me. So I finally confessed that I have a crush on him and that's why I don't like it when he talks about that sort of stuff around me. His reaction was weird, not really a I like you too but more of an aww isn't that cute. Not a good sign but not a complete rejection so I take what I can get and he was really drunk so he was not within his faculties.

He continued sending me mixed singals for the next couple of weeks sometimes saying he wanted to be with me or wanted me to come over and cuddle with him and other times talking about guys he liked. At some point I upset him somehow and he refused to talk to me for about a week until I finally apologized for whatever it was that I did.

All came to a head about a few weeks ago when I was out at the bars with some other gay friends. I texted Pianist to meet us out and when I came I went to hug him but he awkwardly held me at arms length as he explained he'd done something really stupid. So he got a drink, got me a drink, and we talked about it. He told me that he had paid off his tuition but he used the wrong account and now he was horribly overdrawn. It was a stupid mistake and he got one of his four accounts confused. I thought this was a little odd though because if they all were his accounts I didn't really see this as an enormous crisis and then it triggered. "Does someone pay your tuition for you?" His face instantly changed from a devastated look to an uneasy grin as he tried to explain that his GRANDMOTHER PAYS HIS TUITION FOR HIM. So all those times he told me he didn't have the money he did, and on top of that he was still taking out 60K in loans because it was "free money" free at least when you're the sole inheritor of your grandmother's will. Needless to say I kind of screamed at him like a howler monkey, but eventually Hurricane StuckingFupid eventually subsided into a tropical storm and we were able to go back to our normal ways. He kept trying to put his hands all over me but it was kind of awkward because we were in a public place and my friends were there looking at us. At some point one of the Pianist's friends came in (who we'll call Blondy ) and my friend who we'll call Sideshow Bob was instantly attracted to him. We were all talking but Blondy had to go to the billiards side of the bar to meet up with his roommate. Sideshow Bob chased after him and then it was just me Pianist and a few of my other friends. Pianist eventually left me with his keys and phone while he ran off to get a drink, but after about a half an hour he was still missing. Eventually Pianist comes back to get his wallet and keys and says "I need my things I'm trying to sleep with [Blondy's] roommate".

Me and the other guys get bored so we go over to the pool size and watch them play. Sideshow Bob is awkwardly throwing himself at Blondy, Pianist is unsuccessfully throwing himself at Blondy's roommate, and I am afraid the smell of desperation will set into my clothing. All the time Pianist keeps looking over to me and blowing kisses and stuff. He knows I'm mad but not sure why. Soon it's closing time, we leave the bar and go to the diner. Pianist comes with us even though he has "no money". Before we leave he tries to get me to come back to his place, kisses me on the cheek, and I tell him to get lost. I call him later to say why I'm upset with him and he awkwardly replies with something like "you just aren't aggressive enough" but I was too tired of drama and threw my phone down. I later signed on and he kept harassing me so I brought up how I didn't like that he lied about not having any money (for me lying about little things is worse than lying about big things) and how that bothered me. He called me psycho and I decided to take a page out of his book and ignore him for a couple of days.

In the meantime, I logged onto and started chatting with a few new guys. One was a lobbyist and he was very funny and friendly but hard to say whether he was attractive or not. Good thing I had my Statue of Liberty dating policy to fall back on. He said I looked familiar for some reason but I thought that was just a line to make conversation.We continued talking over the next day or two.

After a few days of me ignoring him Pianist finally texts me, calls me, and then instant messages me when he sees that I am online. It's late at night and I'm also talking to the guy from setting up our date, I tell him hold on because I need to sort out my issue with Pianist which he starts asking me about.

Pianist very confused about why I'm upset with him and he said it's strange because he feels bad like I've disappointed him and he normally doesn't feel that way about people so I must be a special person in his life. He thought I had expectations of him that were unrealistic like "not being a whore or being mortifyingly honest" I explained to him I only have 3 expectations of my friends. 1) Be open and honest with me 2) be loyal to me and 3) be considerate of my feelings and I didn't feel like he'd done any of those things. He didn't seem to understand he said "You don't seem upset with me you seem frustrated with the situation, that you like me and I won't reciprocate". So finally he admits that feelings aren't mutual. That's all I wanted him to say since it became obvious after he tried to blatantly pick up someone in front of me that feelings weren't mutual. So I explained that my real issue was that he wouldn't just tell me he just liked me as a friend. Instead he did all this immature bullshit rather than being 1) open and honest with me. He realized what he'd done told me "wow I'm a jerk" and promised to do his best. He also said the reason he did it was besides from thinking it was "obvious" which regardless still misses the point that I like people to be direct with me, that he was afraid of losing me as a friend.

Meanwhile I'm telling this guy from about Pianist and as I'm describing him he goes... "Wait... does he have black hair?" I showed him Pianist's myspace and he goes "Yep that's the one" So I begin asking him how they know each other and he confesses for "full disclosure" that they hooked up. When I told him define "hooked up" he says "I consider it to be any time you do anything sexual with a person and never talk to them again". So I ask him if that means they had sex and he said Yes.

At this point things are obviously ruined between us so I ask him for more pictures which he willingly sends along and who should this fool be. That balding guy that was trying to dance with the Pianist and me that night we made out!!!

Needless to say things really haven't been the same with the Pianist since. We hung out once but I couldn't dismiss how angry I was with him so it was an awkward night. He tried to pay for my drinks to make me 10% less mad but I explained I was already at "110%" so that wasn't really going to help. He then took me out for Korean even though I've explained to him that I'm a food white supremacist and was very mad at me when I wouldn't let him buy me a meal. He didn't speak to me the next couple of days. And I don't think things will ever really be the same.

I've only really got 4 good gay friends (which I would have included Pianist in that before this debacle). So one down...

TO BE CONTINUED... Next Up My Debatable Friendship With Sideshow Bob.