Sunday, November 26, 2006

Some People Play Sports, I Ruin Lives

So my arch nemesis had a boyfriend that lived far away who he perpetually cheated on because he is an insatiable buttwhore. The ex-boyfriend is from South Africa and currently lives in Frederick, Maryland. Write that down, it becomes important later.

One day he even allude to the fact that he was going to cheat on this boy again with another ex-boyfriend of his, who he has always claimed was the love of his life. Unfortunately for my arch nemesis, this was just after I had been told by two of my friends that he'd been saying he hated me to people even though I thought things were fine. I supposed inviting someone to your Christmas party, hanging out with them all the time, sleeping in the same bed with them, etc. doesn't qualify for friendship.

Needless to say it was at that time I had made up my mind to surreptitiously ruin his life. There are so many ways to get back at people - sleep with their boyfriends, burn all their worldly belongings, slip them a mickie lock them in the trunk of their car and push it into a river, etc. However I decided to choose a much more dastardly approach - psychological warfare.

I'm fortunate that for whatever reason people confide in me with EVERYTHING - their secrets, other peoples secrets, and those secrets tend to get very personal. Arch nemesis and his friends, had left me with a stockpile of ammo to use against him and use it I did. I began by text messaging my friend Obnoxious Girl and telling her that arch nemesis, who she had hung out with all semester, had told two of our friends that he didn't trust her and that he didn't really consider her a close friend (yeah they've known each other since literally day one of freshmen year, but no - not cose). Obnoxious Girl, as you can well imagine is not a girl to be crossed. Next to me she is the HBIC Head Bitch In Charge. She effectively cut off half of his group of friends over night.

So after I heard Arch nemesis say he was going to cheat on his current boyfriend with the Love of His Life, I had too ways of tackling the situation. Track down current boyfriend or track down Love of His Life. I tried to do both. Unsuccessful on finding current boyfriend I did locate Love of His Life because I remembered he had a friendster account. I created an account, logged on, and sent him a friendly message.

After a revealing a few choice details, he told me he had contacted Arch nemesis to get to the bottom of things, he could tell from his tone that he was clearly lying so he emailed me back and said "here's some justice for you - I'm done with him and all the boys in Southern Maryland."

This whole time I was on the student government executive board so the next step was clear - turn them against him. It was easy because... well... I'm more likable than him and people were already upset with him over little matters. I just stirred the pot a little (See: A Lot) and soon had half the executive board threatening to quit. Unfortunately we didn't but he could feel the tension, he even tried to buy us off by taking us all out to dinner. It didn't work but it was still valiant effort on his part.

It was around that time I started to feel bad for him and pulled back. I began to realize that spending any amount of time or effort on this boy was too much time. The final step of the revenge was living well. I got into graduate school, I got a job, I lived it up with my friends and made new ones. Meanwhile, he was hemorraghing friends and spiraling out of control. The damage I had done was slowly revealing itself. If it weren't for the fact that I was forced into an awkward situation where his father told him I wanted to say goodbye to him and arch nemesis came out and hugged me and my family proving he is fake to the bitter end - I probably wouldn't have let him have it in an email where I confessed that I ruined his friendships, turned people like Obnoxious Girl against him, etc. The last thing I ever said to him was "Hope you don't become a statistic."

Cut to this week. I went to a party at Obnoxious Girl's house. She has taken on a part time job at Best Buy in Frederick, Maryland. Any guesses as to who her boss is?

That's right! My arch nemesis' ex-boyfriend from South Africa! (See I told you it would be important.)

After talking a little bit they soon realized their connection. My arch nemesis had been calling him regularly because he was supposed to move to New York. "Just say the word and I'll stay here for you." His response was to pretend he lost service.

Obnoxious Girl had told ex-boyfriend several dirty secrets about Arch nemesis because he'd been telling his ex he'd only slept with 3 people when the real number is more like 13. One of those bakers dozen was a one night stand with some old, old, old, old, old, oooooooold black redneck down at Ocean City.

The next time Arch nemesis called and began talking about how many people he'd been with he asked if that's what he told that black redneck at the beach. Needless to say he was not pleased.

The best part comes though when one day the ex-boyfriend calls Arch nemesis and says, "Guess what?! I work with one of your really good friends from college!"

Arch nemesis: Who?

Ex-Boyfriend: Guess!

Arch nemesis: Boy or Girl?

Ex-Boyfriend: Girl.

Arch nemesis: Well I don't know I have a lot of female friends. Just tell me I'm dying to know!

Ex-Boyfriend: [Obnoxious Girl]!

Arch nemesis: ... My life is over.

Early next year, he will be moving to Florida with his family.

All I have to say is



Thursday, November 23, 2006

Update From The Gobble Day Trenches

My little cousin arrived and the first words I hear are "You wet myself". My sister and his mother are currently out at Walmart buying him a new pair of pants because she forgot to bring a change of clothes.

Meanwhile my clinically depressed great aunt is looking frail as ever. Even though she can barely see the first thing she said when she "saw" me was "If you get any talller we'll have to raise the roof on this place". She says that every time I see her usually several times.

As per usual, she has also made her first morbid comment of the evening, "This is going to be my last Thanksgiving", but don't worry she's been saying that for years now and my aunt encouraged with a "Don't be silly we'll see you at my place for Christmas!" Her response was to groan.

Everyone is already hittin' up the booze.

Dinner is late and will probably be cold but it's the same every year so things are checking out to be right on schedule.

My relatives have only been here an hour and a half. I'm hoping to get them out of here by 6 .

*Fingers Crossed*

Oh the holidays. Gotta love it.



Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Which of the following things makes me the gayest man in the world?

I finished watching the Madonna Concert on NBC and decided to turn on LOGO so I could catch an old episode of Noah's Arc and one of the characters was getting gay bashed, but I wasn't sure who to root for because he was wearing a FASHION PONCHO!

In other news life is GOOOOOD! I've been very busy with school including but limited to papers, exams, and worst of all a presentation.

Now normally I love presentations but I had to work with some crazy woman who did not want to do a Powerpoint Presentation or provide a handout despite the fact both were specifically required for the assignment. After I convinced her that it would be a good idea to include them, she sent me the goods - 28 powerpoint slides and 10 pages of handouts! And that was just HER half of the presentation!!!

To say her and I had trouble reaching a consensus would be an understatement. In order to give you an idea of how my part went I have included the following images that were actually in the powerpoint slide that I presented before the class. Keep in mind the topic was electronic records archives:

Somehow we got a B+ which has made me conclude that I'm just paying for my grades in grad school which is a relief because now I can read more books for fun and less textbooks. 2:^))

Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable Gobble Gobble Day tomorrow! Dinner is at my house so I will be to avoiding my clinically depressed great aunt and our hyperactive learning disabled cousin all day until the meal is ready.

Perhaps I'll even report from the trenches tomorrow, I dunno I dunno if I'll have enough time.



Sunday, November 12, 2006

Why Do People Do Nice Things?

The other day I decided that I was in desperate need of a haircut and bit the bullet and went to the redneck place down the street. They're cheap ($12.00!), they're close by (right on the corner of my street), and most importantly of all they don't try to make small talk with me.

Only problem is they don't really do that great of a job cutting my hair but you get what you pay for ($12.00!).

So I began my lonely sojourn down the street only to find a little Yorkie staring back at me from the middle of the road. It saw me, froze, and decided its best defensive strategy would be to lay down in the road and shake like a leaf.

For some reason I have become quite the Dog Whisperer in my day and I convinced the frightened pooch to come out of the road so that I could pet it. From there it let me look at its collar which, thankfully, had an address on it or else I would be the proud new father of a Yorkie.

I looked at the address and it turns out that it's my neighbor's dog just a few doors down so I decided to deliver the little squirt. I scooped the little guy into my arms and knocked on my neighbor's door.

It was then as I climbed the stairs of their porch and rang the doorbell that I realized the dog was COMPLETELY covered in its own filth.


Oh gawd it was everywhere.

And right as I dropped the dog on the ground my hill billy owner opened the door. I handed the animal over and all I got was an, "Oh... thank you."

Some people don't do good things to get a pat on the back but I do. At the very least I should have gotten a parade thrown in my honor or the key to the city. But instead I got a lukewarm gracias and had the door shut in my face. As I stood there covered in excrement.

And so I walked back to my house, changed my clothes and began my trip to the hair cutter again.

Honestly, part of me hoped I'd find another puppy... he would at least seem grateful.



Friday, November 03, 2006

Goth Boy Picture

Here's the picture for all of you cry babies who complained I didn't include a picture in my last post.

The things I do for you people.

Much love!


P.S. I am well aware Pink Floyd is not goth but I needed to wear that shirt at work and all the other shirts at hot topic had zombies eating babies on the front and I wasn't paying 20 bucks on a shirt I was never going to wear again. Okay done ranting.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Thank God for Pandemics!

Months ago when I first started working at the library, I was young and new to the working world. I had grand visions of things like paychecks and federal tax returns and a little myth I like to call payroll direct deposit. But all of those dreams were crushed on the first day of work when I marched my little body up to payroll and asked if they did direct deposit.

"No" the lesbian with the nose ring said. Or at least she would have said that if I had asked or if she was actually a lesbian, but she gave me no indication that direct desposit was available to temporary staff and employees. I left defeated by the giant ogre and vowed to return another day to dance on her corpse... or pick up my paychecks biweekly.

That is until today...

Fortunately for me, there is a little thing called the Avian Flu threatening to extinct life as we know and as part of the college's Avian Flu or other Catastrophic Events Strategic Plan (I shit you not that's what it's called), I and the rest of the working grunts at the library now reap the benefits of direct deposit!

We're just like salaried employees now, only we earn less money... and don't get benefits... or respect...

In other news, for Halloween I decided to be original and go as a Goth Kid (which is only funny because if you know me in real life I am jolly and laughy and listen to pop music and wear lots of polo shirts). The transformation was very effective - my coworkers and friends didn't recognize me and when they did they all wanted to take pictures (my boss even used the department camera).

I must say it was an amazing costume... albeit an expensive one:

Red & Black Hairspray: $6.00
Fake Piercings: $2.00
Lipstick and Eyeliner: $5.00
Black Pants: $20.00
Black T-Shirt: $20.00
Metal Arm Band: $5.00
Wallet Chain: $15.00
Spiked Dog Collar: $15.00
Almost Scaring A Man Out of the Bathroom Because He Walked In On You While You Were Putting Your Fake Lip Ring Back In: PRICELESS!

He came in looked at me, made a face, started to go back out when I explained what I was doing and that it was just a costume. From there he came back in and went to the urinal where he proceeded to stare at me and started asking me questions. At that point I was the uncomfortable one trying to back out of the bathroom.

Seriously people are far as I am concerned when you are using a public bathroom you are NOT allowed to multitask - no talking, no cell phone, no reading (I found one of our books in the bathroom), just drop your load and leave (only after first washing and thoroughly drying your hands).

My favorite thing about the goth boy costume (aside from the looks) was that people kept asking me if it was costume. As if overnight I decided I was tired of the status quo and would finally reveal my true self! They also kept asking me if the piercings were real and while I am committed to a costume, there is no way in hell you will ever see me getting any metal attached to me thankyouverymuch. Especially not 8 piercings.

That look took a lot of maintenance and at the end of the day I was happy to wash off the makeup, change into my own clothes and go back to my run of the mill librarian self.

I have so much more respect for my friends who dress like that every day.

Keep on truckin'!